I think I have an under appreciated talent. I am a very convincing liar to myself. The most interesting thing - I am a horrible liar to everyone else. I have an overdeveloped sense of guilt - and have never been able to lie well. However, it seems when it comes to myself - I will believe anything that I say. This has probably come in very handy as a survival tactic the last 10 years.
The only time that the system starts to fail is when I have a vacation coming or a trip planned. I work between 80-100 hours most weeks. I am not counting the reading that I do outside the hospital or the preparation required for cases. I have convinced myself that this is pretty good. (It is a whole lot better than it used to be before the "80 Hour Work week".) I tell myself that I have become lazy in my old age and should be doing more.
Then I plan a trip. For instance, this weekend I am heading to DC to visit an old friend that I haven't seen in ages. Suddenly, out of nowhere, last week the amount of time I spend at work started to really bug me. I have become grumpy and roll my eyes every time my phone rings. I am on call again tonight - my last one this month - but all I can see is that I am stuck doing a right VAD revision on a sick as crap cardiac patient. Before last week, that would not have bothered me. I would have convinced myself that it makes the night go faster.
My theory - for pure survival - my mind convinces me that life is all rosy when it sees no alternatives in the near future. However, when a chance for fun, rest and a small piece of normalcy presents itself - I become less tolerant of life as I know it. As soon as I get back on Monday, I will go right back to life is good what a lucky girl am I. My only concern - I have both a Thanksgiving vacation and an early December weekend trip to Nashville planned. Maybe since I have this weekend respite coming up - I can sail to the next trip without this grumpy bump in the road.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Christmas Lights !?!?!?!?
So as I was just driving home from work - much later than it should have been - I was silently lamenting my day in my head. I was also audibly grumbling about the slow traffic so late at night. It was then that I noticed that the traffic was backed up because we were down to one lane due to the trucks placing Christmas decorations and lights on the street lights and trees. Correct - I said Christmas decorations. Last I checked - Thanksgiving day was still two weeks away!
My friend Kris brought this topic up the day after Halloween when she first found Christmas decorations in the store. Although I too found this obnoxious, I tried to argue in my head that this is not the best year to argue against retail stores trying to make money. I imagine they are hurting quite a bit at the moment. Therefore, I bravely fought past the Christmas isles and tuned out the Christmas music at the stores and forged ahead. Christmas decorations - this is my line in the sand.
We made fun of people growing up who left their Christmas lights up all year, but maybe they were just ahead of the curve. It seems that Christmas gets earlier and earlier every year. My issue with this is it takes some of the fun out of it for me. Christmas is a season. One, at least for me, filled with anticipation, wonder, joy and hope. By dragging it out longer and longer, it seems to get a watered down. Before long, it will be Christmas all year. What do you look forward to then?
I am jumping on Kris's bandwagon here. As usual she called it from the start.
My friend Kris brought this topic up the day after Halloween when she first found Christmas decorations in the store. Although I too found this obnoxious, I tried to argue in my head that this is not the best year to argue against retail stores trying to make money. I imagine they are hurting quite a bit at the moment. Therefore, I bravely fought past the Christmas isles and tuned out the Christmas music at the stores and forged ahead. Christmas decorations - this is my line in the sand.
We made fun of people growing up who left their Christmas lights up all year, but maybe they were just ahead of the curve. It seems that Christmas gets earlier and earlier every year. My issue with this is it takes some of the fun out of it for me. Christmas is a season. One, at least for me, filled with anticipation, wonder, joy and hope. By dragging it out longer and longer, it seems to get a watered down. Before long, it will be Christmas all year. What do you look forward to then?
I am jumping on Kris's bandwagon here. As usual she called it from the start.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
This can't be good
I grew up a very religious person. As most of you know, Church was and still is a big thing in my parent's house. I am sad to admit that these days I am more spiritual than religious. I unfortunately do not attend services as often as I should. This is from the girl who missed only two Sunday morning services for the first 26 years of her life. My - at the time brand new baby sister - is to blame for one and a freak Atlanta snow storm for the other. I don't necessarily believe that a person has to show up at Church every week to be a believer, but I do think that it helps.
I use my job as the most convenient excuse, but I recognize it is exactly that - an excuse. I showed up every Sunday during medical school. I could certainly find my way to a church pew on my weekend's off from work. My distance from regular church attendance is relatively recent. I attended regular services in Augusta. When I first moved to Nashville, I was angry. Not necessarily at God, but at the turn of events my life had taken. As I have said before, I had lost my Faith. I attended Church with the Helou's occasionally and for the Holidays, but never put enough effort into finding a Church of my own. I have now lived in Philly for several months, and have not yet darkened a Church's door.
I am not proud of this, as a matter of fact it saddens me greatly. It has also been weighing on my mind a lot recently. Maybe that is why I had such a strange dream last night. I somehow mixed the Seven Deadly Sins - biblical version with the movie and I was the star. I don't remember many of the details, but what scares me is how many of them I have given a place in my life. For those of you who don't know, although never listed together in the Bible, the Seven Deadly Sins were developed by the early Church to list the "Mortal sins". The sins that required absolution or penitence.
The first is Pride - I am a surgeon and a cardio-thoracic one at that - enough said. The second is Envy. I struggle with this one. I talk to my friends and think what wonderfully rich and full lives they have, and sometimes wish they were mine. The third is Wrath. I think I may be okay here. Interestingly as I get older, my temper gets less and less. It now takes an incredible amount of incompetence to get me riled up. Fourth is Sloth. Not so good here. I have become so incredibly lazy. I still have grand plans and great ideas, but these days they give way to sitting on my couch or sleeping. Fifth is Greed. I get a pass here. If I were greedy, I would have had a job long before now. Sixth is Gluttony. I stepped on the scales yesterday - we need go no further. Seventh and last is Lust. Too busy being slothful to have much issue here.
For those of you counting - Four out of Seven. I am not saying that regular Church attendance would fix the above, and the list was made somewhat in jest. However, it is telling for me that I could come up with the above list. I need to nourish my soul. My beliefs are a big part of my sense of self and ideas about the world. I have always felt that at heart I am a nice person - I need to make some changes so that I can continue to think so.
I use my job as the most convenient excuse, but I recognize it is exactly that - an excuse. I showed up every Sunday during medical school. I could certainly find my way to a church pew on my weekend's off from work. My distance from regular church attendance is relatively recent. I attended regular services in Augusta. When I first moved to Nashville, I was angry. Not necessarily at God, but at the turn of events my life had taken. As I have said before, I had lost my Faith. I attended Church with the Helou's occasionally and for the Holidays, but never put enough effort into finding a Church of my own. I have now lived in Philly for several months, and have not yet darkened a Church's door.
I am not proud of this, as a matter of fact it saddens me greatly. It has also been weighing on my mind a lot recently. Maybe that is why I had such a strange dream last night. I somehow mixed the Seven Deadly Sins - biblical version with the movie and I was the star. I don't remember many of the details, but what scares me is how many of them I have given a place in my life. For those of you who don't know, although never listed together in the Bible, the Seven Deadly Sins were developed by the early Church to list the "Mortal sins". The sins that required absolution or penitence.
The first is Pride - I am a surgeon and a cardio-thoracic one at that - enough said. The second is Envy. I struggle with this one. I talk to my friends and think what wonderfully rich and full lives they have, and sometimes wish they were mine. The third is Wrath. I think I may be okay here. Interestingly as I get older, my temper gets less and less. It now takes an incredible amount of incompetence to get me riled up. Fourth is Sloth. Not so good here. I have become so incredibly lazy. I still have grand plans and great ideas, but these days they give way to sitting on my couch or sleeping. Fifth is Greed. I get a pass here. If I were greedy, I would have had a job long before now. Sixth is Gluttony. I stepped on the scales yesterday - we need go no further. Seventh and last is Lust. Too busy being slothful to have much issue here.
For those of you counting - Four out of Seven. I am not saying that regular Church attendance would fix the above, and the list was made somewhat in jest. However, it is telling for me that I could come up with the above list. I need to nourish my soul. My beliefs are a big part of my sense of self and ideas about the world. I have always felt that at heart I am a nice person - I need to make some changes so that I can continue to think so.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Giving my hour back
Okay - I look forward to time change as much as anybody. There is something so delightful about "stealing" an extra hour of sleep. I feel like I am somehow cheating the system. For one day a year, I actually have that extra hour that I so often wish existed. I get almost as upset about being on call for end of daylight's saving time as I do for major holidays. I want to enjoy that hour in the quiet privacy of my home - not in a hospital. All of that being said - despite planning thousands of productive ways to spend my extra free hour each year - I usually sleep for an extra hour. However, it is one of the best hours of sleep on the planet.
As you can tell - I truly look forward to that first Sunday in November and the extra hour in the day. However, somehow each year, I forget how much I actually hate all the dark winter days that come afterwards. I am used to going to work in the dark. Early on I whined about how much I hate mornings, but in all honesty - I have sort of turned into a morning person. It is not completely my choice - I can barely sleep past 6 anymore, but I can find some beauty in the stillness and promise of a dark winter morning. Don't worry - I haven't turned into one of those annoyingly cheerful morning people, but I can at least now make conversation in the morning.
What I find so incredibly depressing and quite frankly tiring is coming home in the dark. Take today for example. We actually finished work at a decent hour. However, walking out of the hospital at 5 pm it is already dusky. By the time I make a quick run to Target and have a bite of dinner - it is dark. I spend most of the Winter walking by as many windows during the day as I can to help recall what sunshine looks like. I am also discovering that it is incredibly grey here in the City of Brotherly Love.
Even worse is my mind's reaction to the darkness. It is 7 pm and I am falling asleep on the couch. Not because I am getting any less sleep that normal, but because it is dark outside and that seems to flip a switch in my head that says 'must go to sleep'. Therefore, this year I have decided to stay on Daylight's saving time all winter. Sure it may be confusing to be an hour off from everyone else, but since when have I followed the beat of a normal drummer?
As you can tell - I truly look forward to that first Sunday in November and the extra hour in the day. However, somehow each year, I forget how much I actually hate all the dark winter days that come afterwards. I am used to going to work in the dark. Early on I whined about how much I hate mornings, but in all honesty - I have sort of turned into a morning person. It is not completely my choice - I can barely sleep past 6 anymore, but I can find some beauty in the stillness and promise of a dark winter morning. Don't worry - I haven't turned into one of those annoyingly cheerful morning people, but I can at least now make conversation in the morning.
What I find so incredibly depressing and quite frankly tiring is coming home in the dark. Take today for example. We actually finished work at a decent hour. However, walking out of the hospital at 5 pm it is already dusky. By the time I make a quick run to Target and have a bite of dinner - it is dark. I spend most of the Winter walking by as many windows during the day as I can to help recall what sunshine looks like. I am also discovering that it is incredibly grey here in the City of Brotherly Love.
Even worse is my mind's reaction to the darkness. It is 7 pm and I am falling asleep on the couch. Not because I am getting any less sleep that normal, but because it is dark outside and that seems to flip a switch in my head that says 'must go to sleep'. Therefore, this year I have decided to stay on Daylight's saving time all winter. Sure it may be confusing to be an hour off from everyone else, but since when have I followed the beat of a normal drummer?
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Proud American
I will admit that I am a bit bleary eyed this morning and could really benefit from a nap, but I am incredibly proud to call myself an American today. It was an amazing night. Election called relatively early (11 pm on East Coast) without any hanging chads or tampered machines. I had forgotten what one of those election nights felt like. It has been a few years - 8 as a matter of fact.
I will admit that I openly cried during his speech. I truly felt the historical significance of it. This will be one of those 'what were you doing when' moments. We haven't had a lot of those in my generation - and the ones we have had were not great memories. It is not all that fun to sit around and reminisce about what I was doing when the Challenger exploded or the Towers went down. This is a memory I can truly cherish.
He seemed subdued during his speech - understandable given the tragic passing of his grandmother, but I got the impression that part of the issue is that he truly understands the enormity of job he is undertaking. I like that about him. I want a President who understands it is a big deal - not someone trying to pass time during the off season in baseball. We have serious problems we are facing, and it is time for serious solutions.
Luckily, I only have one more case and then call it a day. It has been a tiring couple of days, but time well spent.
I will admit that I openly cried during his speech. I truly felt the historical significance of it. This will be one of those 'what were you doing when' moments. We haven't had a lot of those in my generation - and the ones we have had were not great memories. It is not all that fun to sit around and reminisce about what I was doing when the Challenger exploded or the Towers went down. This is a memory I can truly cherish.
He seemed subdued during his speech - understandable given the tragic passing of his grandmother, but I got the impression that part of the issue is that he truly understands the enormity of job he is undertaking. I like that about him. I want a President who understands it is a big deal - not someone trying to pass time during the off season in baseball. We have serious problems we are facing, and it is time for serious solutions.
Luckily, I only have one more case and then call it a day. It has been a tiring couple of days, but time well spent.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
ELECTION DAY
I can't believe it is finally here. It seems like this is the longest election cycle ever. I have loved it. It has been particularly interesting living in Philadelphia. The things that I have learned over the last few weeks. For instance, did you know that according to the GOP trust, there is some question about whether or not Obama is even a US Citizen? There was also an interesting ad involving a "failed abortion" who is now a 30 year old woman. Of course, she had issues with Obama also. I know both sides go negative, and it seems to be getting worse every year, but some of these things are getting a little ridiculous. (Godless Americans in NC anyone?)
Regardless, I had a bad call night, but was able to get a quick nap in after I voted this morning. No bad voting story for me. I walked right in to my polling place - literally one block in front of where I live. I waited behind one person to sign in, and behind two people to vote. I was literally in and out in 10 minutes. Of course, 20 years from now when I am telling friends and family the story of voting for President Obama, I may have to make that story more interesting. Poetic license you understand.
The only thing left is a lot of CNN watching. Speaking of, the first polls should be closing soon. Will check back in tomorrow - the first day of our new Democratic government.
Regardless, I had a bad call night, but was able to get a quick nap in after I voted this morning. No bad voting story for me. I walked right in to my polling place - literally one block in front of where I live. I waited behind one person to sign in, and behind two people to vote. I was literally in and out in 10 minutes. Of course, 20 years from now when I am telling friends and family the story of voting for President Obama, I may have to make that story more interesting. Poetic license you understand.
The only thing left is a lot of CNN watching. Speaking of, the first polls should be closing soon. Will check back in tomorrow - the first day of our new Democratic government.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Call woes
I am on call again. It seems like a common occurrence. In truth, I don't take a huge amount of call here. I average about 4 calls a month - not bad. I think there are a couple of reasons it seems bad - one call here SUCKS. I don't think I have ever had what I would consider a "good" call night. If I can get out of here without given chest compressions, opening a chest, intubating or running someone to the operating room - I consider it a win. The other reason is that my call always seems to be lumped. For example, for the month of November - I have the 3rd, 8th and 13th - and then I am finished for the month. It is not all that fun for the two weeks that I take all my call, but it is very nice for the other two weeks of the month.
I feel a little guilty complaining. It could be SO MUCH worse. It is just when I am in the middle of the call - it is very hard to see the big picture. All I can see is that I am once again stuck in a smelly call room taking care of an unstable ICU. The good think is that I get to leave early in the morning.
My plans - run to the grocery store, take a shower, VOTE!, go to gym, take a nap - stay up all night watching election returns. I am a little sad to see it coming to a close. I am such a political junkie - what will I watch at night now? I am not really into many TV shows anymore. Lost my one and only show hasn't started their new season yet. CNN is less exciting without all the political pundits. Oh well, I guess I can read more.
Just a quick reminder for those who haven't voted yet - tomorrow is the big day! Don't forget to vote.
I feel a little guilty complaining. It could be SO MUCH worse. It is just when I am in the middle of the call - it is very hard to see the big picture. All I can see is that I am once again stuck in a smelly call room taking care of an unstable ICU. The good think is that I get to leave early in the morning.
My plans - run to the grocery store, take a shower, VOTE!, go to gym, take a nap - stay up all night watching election returns. I am a little sad to see it coming to a close. I am such a political junkie - what will I watch at night now? I am not really into many TV shows anymore. Lost my one and only show hasn't started their new season yet. CNN is less exciting without all the political pundits. Oh well, I guess I can read more.
Just a quick reminder for those who haven't voted yet - tomorrow is the big day! Don't forget to vote.
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