I really love my Wild Words from Wild Women calendar. It is at times funny, thought provoking and silly. At times, I need a little of all the above. The quote from yesterday struck me in particular. As I spend a lot of my time lately obsessing about reaching the climate of my particular mountain - I am reminded to make sure that I enjoy the climb.
"You never conquer a mountain. You stand on the summit a few moments; then the wind blows your footprints away." Arlene Blum
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Priorities?
Okay - I finally caved in today and purchased a winter coat. I resisted for many reasons. I even convinced myself that perhaps I didn't need one and could make do with the myriad of coats that I currently own. Then it got cold. Not that normal low temperature cold, but the wind is blowing and icicles couldn't survive in this weather cold. I headed to the store.
I heard they had a sale at Macy's and as that required only a quick walk downtown I decided to check it out first. The downtown Macy's in Philly is really quite spectacular. It is in a terrific old building with all these hidden nooks and crannies. Love it! They were indeed having a pretty terrific scale and I got a Calvin Klein "puffer" jacket with hood and most importantly sans fake fur trim for 60% off. I was feeling quite proud of myself. It is even red - one of my favorite colors.
On my way out I decided to stop in the Estee Lauder counter. I still hadn't caught a "gift" time, but was really scraping the bottom of the moisturizer container. Therefore, I decided to suck it up and pay full prize without the gift. I initially felt good about being at the counter. The sales lady raved about my skin and its "lack" of wrinkles. (I know that is her job, but it still makes you feel good.) Then I payed the bill.
I payed only five dollars less for my 1.7 ozs of Revitalizing Lift face cream than I did for my heavy winter coat. Perhaps my priorities are a little screwed up? I probably would be feeling less guilty about this if I hadn't had to pass several homeless people as I entered the store. I donate to charity and contribute old clothes to Goodwill, but for the amount of money I just spent on face cream - I could have bought one of those people a new winter coat! My vanity and conscience are currently having a brawl. Will let you know how it turns out.
I heard they had a sale at Macy's and as that required only a quick walk downtown I decided to check it out first. The downtown Macy's in Philly is really quite spectacular. It is in a terrific old building with all these hidden nooks and crannies. Love it! They were indeed having a pretty terrific scale and I got a Calvin Klein "puffer" jacket with hood and most importantly sans fake fur trim for 60% off. I was feeling quite proud of myself. It is even red - one of my favorite colors.
On my way out I decided to stop in the Estee Lauder counter. I still hadn't caught a "gift" time, but was really scraping the bottom of the moisturizer container. Therefore, I decided to suck it up and pay full prize without the gift. I initially felt good about being at the counter. The sales lady raved about my skin and its "lack" of wrinkles. (I know that is her job, but it still makes you feel good.) Then I payed the bill.
I payed only five dollars less for my 1.7 ozs of Revitalizing Lift face cream than I did for my heavy winter coat. Perhaps my priorities are a little screwed up? I probably would be feeling less guilty about this if I hadn't had to pass several homeless people as I entered the store. I donate to charity and contribute old clothes to Goodwill, but for the amount of money I just spent on face cream - I could have bought one of those people a new winter coat! My vanity and conscience are currently having a brawl. Will let you know how it turns out.
Friday, November 21, 2008
White Thanksgiving?????
Okay - we all know I grew up well below the Mason-Dixon line. For those of you who didn't, there is this game we all play come Christmas time. We start wishing for a White Christmas. We play the songs, we send letters to Santa Claus, etc etc. We all have this image of snow covered Christmas trees, lights twinkling bright against the white curtain of snow, and enjoying a Christmas dinner while gazing out at the beautiful snow. Even the grown-ups get into the spirit.
Needless to say - it never happens. It is not like it never snows in Georgia. It does - we get at least an inch every 3-5 years. What doesn't happen is life continuing as normal. Christmas would come to a grinding halt should it ever actually snow back home during that time. We would all be confined to our homes with our milk and bread (Southern joke you would have to be there to believe). We love the idea of snow - we just don't do well with the reality. Because we see it so infrequently, we have romanticized it.
Well, all that may be changing for me. I woke up this AM to a light dusting of snow on the ground with more falling from the sky. Back home, schools would have been cancelled and no one would go to work. Here, people barely glance up. The Southerner in me wants to stand on the street corner and enjoy the wander of the beautiful snow falling. The Southerner in me is also a little worried. They are getting our "January snowstorm" in November. If Thanksgiving is dusted with snow, what will Christmas look like? I have got to run to the grocery store - I am out of milk and bread.
Needless to say - it never happens. It is not like it never snows in Georgia. It does - we get at least an inch every 3-5 years. What doesn't happen is life continuing as normal. Christmas would come to a grinding halt should it ever actually snow back home during that time. We would all be confined to our homes with our milk and bread (Southern joke you would have to be there to believe). We love the idea of snow - we just don't do well with the reality. Because we see it so infrequently, we have romanticized it.
Well, all that may be changing for me. I woke up this AM to a light dusting of snow on the ground with more falling from the sky. Back home, schools would have been cancelled and no one would go to work. Here, people barely glance up. The Southerner in me wants to stand on the street corner and enjoy the wander of the beautiful snow falling. The Southerner in me is also a little worried. They are getting our "January snowstorm" in November. If Thanksgiving is dusted with snow, what will Christmas look like? I have got to run to the grocery store - I am out of milk and bread.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Peeved!
Okay - I know that I blogged once already today, but I am extremely irritated and need to blow off steam. I would normally call Kris or my mom. My mom is out currently - see prior blog from today, and Kris has had to listen to a lot of my crying recently. Since I know they will both have to listen to even more as this whole job search thing goes along, I decided to blow off to my computer. Feel free to ignore this blog and check back tomorrow.
As anyone can see from my Facebooking and blogging earlier today, I have spent most of my day doing nothing productive. I did a lobectomy this morning, but was thru by 10:30am. My new attending - we'll call Dr Obnoxious - had a lobectomy followed by a VATS which I am supposed to do. She started the lobe at 11 am and just now finished!!!! I am not sure why it took so long, but thanks to her 8 hour case I have been stuck here all day waiting on my second case to go. It is just now going into the room, and because she never knows when to quit will probably still be going at midnight.
I try to be understanding. In seven short months, I will be her - if I get a job. I can only imagine how scary it must be making the final decisions after all the years of having someone look over your shoulder. I would argue however that since we have 10 years of people looking over our shoulders, we should be the new attendings with the greatest experience. Our decisions should come just a little bit easier. There comes a time where you just have to suck it up, consider your training and go with your gut. We are Cardiothoracic surgeons after all. We are always right - just ask us.
As anyone can see from my Facebooking and blogging earlier today, I have spent most of my day doing nothing productive. I did a lobectomy this morning, but was thru by 10:30am. My new attending - we'll call Dr Obnoxious - had a lobectomy followed by a VATS which I am supposed to do. She started the lobe at 11 am and just now finished!!!! I am not sure why it took so long, but thanks to her 8 hour case I have been stuck here all day waiting on my second case to go. It is just now going into the room, and because she never knows when to quit will probably still be going at midnight.
I try to be understanding. In seven short months, I will be her - if I get a job. I can only imagine how scary it must be making the final decisions after all the years of having someone look over your shoulder. I would argue however that since we have 10 years of people looking over our shoulders, we should be the new attendings with the greatest experience. Our decisions should come just a little bit easier. There comes a time where you just have to suck it up, consider your training and go with your gut. We are Cardiothoracic surgeons after all. We are always right - just ask us.
What's so great about NORMAL?
This is the question my mom asked me yesterday. I have spent a lot of time whining to her recently about wanting a normal life. My mom has this great ability to listen to me complain about my "problems", be a little understanding, and then tell me to get over it. This is probably how I survived my surgical training. Whenever I started my woe is me act, she would listen for a little bit, and then remind me that as my friend Bassam likes to say - I checked the box. It may sound somewhat harsh to some of you, but is the perfect way to recenter my reality. [I like to tell my mom that she is lucky I turned out so well, but I become more aware each day how hard she worked to achieve said result.]
My mom's comment made me think - as it was intended to do. When I went to my ten year high school reunion several years back, I was nervous about the fact that I was still in "school" while everyone else had normal lives. I walked out of the reunion thankful that my life was exactly as it was - so many of theirs sounded so boring and foreign to me. I had so little in common with them - I skipped my 15th. Surely that is not what I have been whining about?
Therefore, how do I define normal? I want simple things out of life. I would like to sleep till 5 am. I would like to only be at the hospital for a couple of hours on the weekends. I would love to make plans with my friends and actually be able to keep them. I would like to have dinner before 7 pm occasionally. I would like to read a book that has absolutely nothing to do with medicine and not feel guilty about it. I would like to have a desk completely free of papers to write and even more articles to read. I would like to give good news to patients at least once a week. I want to have complete control over my patients and my schedule.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that my definition of normal - and ultimately what I want in life is so far from what most people consider normal they have different area codes. I guarantee you each of my friends would come up with completely different lists - both from mine and from each others. This is perhaps the ultimate lesson for me. My normal is only normal because it is what is safe and predictable for me. I should neither covet nor judge others normal. We all find our comfort zone in life. It is simply time for me to move into mine.
My mom's comment made me think - as it was intended to do. When I went to my ten year high school reunion several years back, I was nervous about the fact that I was still in "school" while everyone else had normal lives. I walked out of the reunion thankful that my life was exactly as it was - so many of theirs sounded so boring and foreign to me. I had so little in common with them - I skipped my 15th. Surely that is not what I have been whining about?
Therefore, how do I define normal? I want simple things out of life. I would like to sleep till 5 am. I would like to only be at the hospital for a couple of hours on the weekends. I would love to make plans with my friends and actually be able to keep them. I would like to have dinner before 7 pm occasionally. I would like to read a book that has absolutely nothing to do with medicine and not feel guilty about it. I would like to have a desk completely free of papers to write and even more articles to read. I would like to give good news to patients at least once a week. I want to have complete control over my patients and my schedule.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that my definition of normal - and ultimately what I want in life is so far from what most people consider normal they have different area codes. I guarantee you each of my friends would come up with completely different lists - both from mine and from each others. This is perhaps the ultimate lesson for me. My normal is only normal because it is what is safe and predictable for me. I should neither covet nor judge others normal. We all find our comfort zone in life. It is simply time for me to move into mine.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Do clothes mate?
Okay - I am catching up on some laundry tonight. I actually got to wear real clothes this weekend. I miss that sometimes. As I was starting to put things away, I swear that I have more clothes now than I had when I moved here.
Many of you are shaking your heads saying - no surprise there. Girl you like to shop. In my defense the only thing that I have bought since I have been here are a couple of 3/4 length t's from Ann Taylor - honest. Where are they coming from? I glanced thru them - they all seem familiar, but I swear I didn't have that many clothes before I came here.
Maybe they are reacting to the cold and getting closer than normal. I think there has been some unprotected sex in that closet. I could have told Sarah Palin that abstinence doesn't work.
Many of you are shaking your heads saying - no surprise there. Girl you like to shop. In my defense the only thing that I have bought since I have been here are a couple of 3/4 length t's from Ann Taylor - honest. Where are they coming from? I glanced thru them - they all seem familiar, but I swear I didn't have that many clothes before I came here.
Maybe they are reacting to the cold and getting closer than normal. I think there has been some unprotected sex in that closet. I could have told Sarah Palin that abstinence doesn't work.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Clarity at last!
I got a chance to head to our nation's capital this past weekend to catch up with an old friend. I had an amazing trip. I caught up with my friend Jessica from college. We spent a lot of time trying to remember when the last time that we actually had a chance to physically see each other and decided that it was more years ago than either of us were willing to admit. However, we were able to catch up and I got to see a lot of the city while I was there.
I had only been to DC once before ten years ago when I was applying for general surgery residency. I had a brief sleet filled layover that allowed me to see basically none of the city. The Washington Monument was under renovation at the time and completely covered in scaffolding. We also got lost and couldn't even find our way past the White House. Jessica made sure that I was able to catch up on all the Monuments and the White House. I should also point out that she is 34 weeks pregnant, suffering from pre-term labor and has issues with a fibroid that she has named frank. Despite all of this she allowed me to drag her all over the city she grew up in seeing things that she has seen her entire life. Now that is what I call a good friend.
I could continue to regale you with the details of my fantastic weekend, and would be happy to at a later date, but the most exciting decision that came out of this weekend involves my future. As I have complained about before, it is time for me to start applying for jobs. The real kind. I have had some issue with deciding first and foremost where I wanted to live. I have been giving serious thought as to where I can see myself in 10 years. I know that you don't have to keep your first job forever, but I want that option.
I had decided already on the East coast - that is my comfort zone and personality. However, it involves a fairly large piece of real estate. As I was touring the DC area this weekend, I realized that I REALLY liked it there. This got me truly soul searching as to what I want in a place to live. Now in a perfect world, I could pick a place and then magically transport all of my friends there to live. Unfortunately, I haven't lived in a perfect world in quite some time. I decided that while proximity to friends and family are important, I need to look beyond to location and type of practice. Friends and family move - mine more than most. I need to make sure that I really like where I live.
So I made a list of things that I want in my future city. The first thing on my list is just that - A City. I grew up in the middle of nowhere. (Literally my street address is Nowhere Road). It was an amazing way to grow up with lots of freedom and safety, but not what I want as an adult. I am a city girl at heart. It doesn't have to be 1 million people, but urban I want. Secondly, I want seasons. I will always be a Georgia girl - that is where I was born and probably where I will retire. I want something else in the middle. As much as I hate winter - I like the things that winter allows - namely fall and spring. Third, access to water. It doesn't have to be outside my back door, but needs to be a relatively short drive away - I prefer salty by the way. Fourth, driving distance from my parents. My parents don't like to fly. I want to be close enough that they can get into the car and come visit me without it being a two day drive.
With the above qualifications, I have now narrowed my job search. I am finally excited about the whole prospect instead of filled with incredible dread. I am still nervous and stressed of course, but I really see no way around that aspect. Oh - guess I should tell you guys what I have decided. I have decided to look for jobs in Washington DC, Maryland, Virginia, North Carolina and Tennessee. I don't want to limit myself more than that right away - thoracic jobs though getting better are still a little hard to come by. I am still trying to make the Private Practice vs Academic decision so have decided to apply for both to see what is out there. The search has begun in earnest - wish me luck and please forgive my stressful grumpy ramblings over the course of the next several months.
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