Supposedly, admitting you have a problem is the first step. Consider this my admission. Defining the problem - now that's a harder issue. (Don't worry no drug or alcohol issues - it hasn't gotten that bad yet.) I started this year with such high hopes and expectations. Sadly only four months into 2013, I have been feeling ready to concede.
Have you ever realized that you were acting completing irrationally or self-destructively, and yet been unable to stop the behavior? Welcome to my world as of late. I have chosen to blame my upcoming 40th birthday, but recognize that a random Saturday in April is not the real culprit. I hate to be trite and trot out some psycho babble about dissatisfaction or recognition of mortality, but something is certainly not right at the moment. What is even less clear to me is how to fix it.
Clearly what I have been doing isn't working. Unless of course you consider 30 lbs, insomnia, severe mood swings and adult onset acne a success story. I don't. At present I can't wear anything in my closet, and am rapidly losing friends from my perpetual grumpy state. Not exactly how I wanted to enter my 40th year.
It wish I could conclude this post with my great plan to "fix it". I don't have a grand plan, but I do know something about myself. I like goals. I need something to work toward - a tangible target. (I'm also hoping that finding something else to fixate upon will distract me from my present mind set.)
Therefore, I'm picking my weight. I am giving myself the next four months to lose 30 lbs, and am going to use this blog as a place for accountability and to chart my progress. As of this morning, I am approximately 30 lbs from a realistic weight for me to maintain. I have fallen into some bad eating habits and have no aerobic capacity at the moment - so this seems like a good place to start. Stay tuned for tomorrow where I will recap Day 1.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Change
Some people love change. They are always looking for something new, different, untried and unknown. I am not one of those people.
I wish I were one of those people. Life would be much less difficult if I didn't let the fear of change stop me from trying new things or cause me to tolerate difficult situations just because they are comfortable.
I have been this way my entire life, and it's time for it to stop.
Change is coming. . .
I wish I were one of those people. Life would be much less difficult if I didn't let the fear of change stop me from trying new things or cause me to tolerate difficult situations just because they are comfortable.
I have been this way my entire life, and it's time for it to stop.
Change is coming. . .
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Savasana
For those of you unfamiliar with the word Savasana, it is the last pose performed in yoga class. It is also known as corpse pose - now you see why it goes by the Sanskrit. The pose is much like it sounds. You lie on your back with eyes closed and palms open toward the ceiling. You then spend the next few minutes only concerned with the rhythm of your breathing. (Okay - I guess the breathing part would be fairly creepy in a corpse.)
It is my favorite part of yoga, and not just because it is the easiest. It is a great time to not only catch your breath - yoga can be strenuous when taught well - but to rest your mind. After spending the last hour or so having to concentrate only on contorting your body into what feels like an unnatural position, your brain has yet to pick back up the million other thoughts that are usually swirling around. It is the time when I find it easiest to truly think of nothing - perhaps the closest I may ever come to true meditation. I finish yoga feeling not only physically refreshed, but mentally as well.
This week at Canyon Ranch has been one long Savasana pose for me. It couldn't have come at a better time - mentally, physically and spiritually. I had a fantastic week and learned a lot, but mostly I feel renewed. I was able to give both my mind and body a rest.
Namaste
It is my favorite part of yoga, and not just because it is the easiest. It is a great time to not only catch your breath - yoga can be strenuous when taught well - but to rest your mind. After spending the last hour or so having to concentrate only on contorting your body into what feels like an unnatural position, your brain has yet to pick back up the million other thoughts that are usually swirling around. It is the time when I find it easiest to truly think of nothing - perhaps the closest I may ever come to true meditation. I finish yoga feeling not only physically refreshed, but mentally as well.
This week at Canyon Ranch has been one long Savasana pose for me. It couldn't have come at a better time - mentally, physically and spiritually. I had a fantastic week and learned a lot, but mostly I feel renewed. I was able to give both my mind and body a rest.
Namaste
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Tying a Knot to Hold On
I am holding on to my optimism for 2013, but barely. It has been a rough few days, and this time I can't blame work.
It all started with a car accident - mine. I live in Miami, so car accidents are not a rarity, and I even picked my current car because I knew at some point it would be involved in an accident. However, I was fairly confident that I would have somebody else to blame - drivers here after all are CRAZY. Unfortunately that is not exactly how the story goes. It was a Sunday afternoon. I was coming home from rounds. I was not on the phone, I was not sleep deprived, I was not running late and no surprise here - stone cold sober. No one cut me off or stopped suddenly in front of me. I hit a support beam next to my parking space - a space that I have been parking in daily for the last 2 1/2 years I must admit. I have no explanation nor excuse.
Fast forward a few days. I finally joined the adults and got a "real" kitchen knife sets for Christmas. These knives are amazing - German, pretty and SHARP. According to the trauma literature, more knife injuries occur with dull rather than sharp knives - I couldn't disagree more. I have stabbed myself, cut a hole in not one but three kitchen towels drying the darn things, and almost sliced off the tip of my pointer finger on my dominant hand! And can I just add that hand injuries which prevent one from scrubbing when one is a surgeon are just a little aggravating.
Monday I had the distinct pleasure to partake of one of the pleasures of citizenship that is jury duty. What frustrates me about jury duty isn't the act itself. I am perfectly happy to fulfill my civic service, and suspect that I would actually find partaking in a real case (as a jurist not a defendant) incredibly fascinating. However, attorneys and doctors don't mix. It is fairly common knowledge that it is incredibly rare - read never - for a doctor to end up on a criminal jury. Rumor has it that prosecutors find us too analytical and thus unpredictable, and defense attorneys supposedly find us too out of touch with the everyday life of their "clientele". Regardless, we never make the final cut. However, that doesn't prevent them from keeping us the whole day and asking us ridiculous questions in a room full of strangers. My favorite exchange on Monday :
Mr. Defense Attorney: "Ms, I mean Dr. Baxter, can doctor's lie?"
Me: "Of course, we are human. All humans are capable of lying"
Mr. Defense Attorney: "But you are scientist, scientist never lie"
Me: "Well I think we know from several front page stories that is not necessarily true"
Mr. Defense Attorney: "Do you think attorneys can lie"
Me: "Absolutely, part of the job I would say"
Mr. Defense Attorney: "no more questions"
Hmmm. Perhaps I am beginning to see why we never get picked.
To add final insult to injury, I decided to have a go at a Cross-Fit work out today. I conveniently chose to ignore a few key facts: not only have I not been working out regularly for about three months, but I haven't ran a step since October! My luck held up of course, and the work out of the day involved multiple 400 m runs, burbees, squat jumps and overhead dumbbell presses. Now there was a time not that long ago that I would have attacked such a workout with glee and asked for more. Today, said workout attacked me and quite honestly kicked my butt. The one thing it did accomplish is motivation. I know that I can be better than today's workout.
I still believe that this is going to be my year. I just have to survive myself first.
It all started with a car accident - mine. I live in Miami, so car accidents are not a rarity, and I even picked my current car because I knew at some point it would be involved in an accident. However, I was fairly confident that I would have somebody else to blame - drivers here after all are CRAZY. Unfortunately that is not exactly how the story goes. It was a Sunday afternoon. I was coming home from rounds. I was not on the phone, I was not sleep deprived, I was not running late and no surprise here - stone cold sober. No one cut me off or stopped suddenly in front of me. I hit a support beam next to my parking space - a space that I have been parking in daily for the last 2 1/2 years I must admit. I have no explanation nor excuse.
Fast forward a few days. I finally joined the adults and got a "real" kitchen knife sets for Christmas. These knives are amazing - German, pretty and SHARP. According to the trauma literature, more knife injuries occur with dull rather than sharp knives - I couldn't disagree more. I have stabbed myself, cut a hole in not one but three kitchen towels drying the darn things, and almost sliced off the tip of my pointer finger on my dominant hand! And can I just add that hand injuries which prevent one from scrubbing when one is a surgeon are just a little aggravating.
Monday I had the distinct pleasure to partake of one of the pleasures of citizenship that is jury duty. What frustrates me about jury duty isn't the act itself. I am perfectly happy to fulfill my civic service, and suspect that I would actually find partaking in a real case (as a jurist not a defendant) incredibly fascinating. However, attorneys and doctors don't mix. It is fairly common knowledge that it is incredibly rare - read never - for a doctor to end up on a criminal jury. Rumor has it that prosecutors find us too analytical and thus unpredictable, and defense attorneys supposedly find us too out of touch with the everyday life of their "clientele". Regardless, we never make the final cut. However, that doesn't prevent them from keeping us the whole day and asking us ridiculous questions in a room full of strangers. My favorite exchange on Monday :
Mr. Defense Attorney: "Ms, I mean Dr. Baxter, can doctor's lie?"
Me: "Of course, we are human. All humans are capable of lying"
Mr. Defense Attorney: "But you are scientist, scientist never lie"
Me: "Well I think we know from several front page stories that is not necessarily true"
Mr. Defense Attorney: "Do you think attorneys can lie"
Me: "Absolutely, part of the job I would say"
Mr. Defense Attorney: "no more questions"
Hmmm. Perhaps I am beginning to see why we never get picked.
To add final insult to injury, I decided to have a go at a Cross-Fit work out today. I conveniently chose to ignore a few key facts: not only have I not been working out regularly for about three months, but I haven't ran a step since October! My luck held up of course, and the work out of the day involved multiple 400 m runs, burbees, squat jumps and overhead dumbbell presses. Now there was a time not that long ago that I would have attacked such a workout with glee and asked for more. Today, said workout attacked me and quite honestly kicked my butt. The one thing it did accomplish is motivation. I know that I can be better than today's workout.
I still believe that this is going to be my year. I just have to survive myself first.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Too Quiet
I sit here at work typing this because I am avoiding going home. Why you definitely have a right to ask, as I am normally whining about not getting to leave the hospital? I am avoiding going home because I know that it is going to be quiet.
Let me explain. Between going home before Christmas, the Holidays which were jam-packed, and my parents/sister coming down for the week after the New Year, I have gotten used to constant company. My parents and sister left this morning as I came to work, so for the first time in a long time, I will be spending my evening alone. Usually, at this point, I would be dying for some alone time. However, for some reason tonight I am dreading it a little.
Perhaps I will go work-out to avoid it a little longer.
Let me explain. Between going home before Christmas, the Holidays which were jam-packed, and my parents/sister coming down for the week after the New Year, I have gotten used to constant company. My parents and sister left this morning as I came to work, so for the first time in a long time, I will be spending my evening alone. Usually, at this point, I would be dying for some alone time. However, for some reason tonight I am dreading it a little.
Perhaps I will go work-out to avoid it a little longer.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Context is Key
I have spent a fair amount of the last decade and a half of my life sleep deprived. It was rarely by choice, and never pretty. It was at least a good excuse to look like crap and be grumpy. It's hard for people to be overly judgemental about your lack of grooming or your attitude when you spent the night "saving lives".
Being an Attending however has obviously made me soft. In my early years, I could take back-to-back in-house call and survive on nothing more than a cat nap had sitting in the OR waiting on my patient to be put to sleep. Those days are clearly behind me.
Part of my embracing of 2013 has led to me accepting more of the evening out opportunities that are afforded one living in a vacation paradise. This has lead to midnight being "an early night" for the last 5 nights straight, and subsequently my turning into a pumpkin. Interestingly I have taken advantage of the being able to look like crap, but in all my sleep deprived state - still very happy.
Being an Attending however has obviously made me soft. In my early years, I could take back-to-back in-house call and survive on nothing more than a cat nap had sitting in the OR waiting on my patient to be put to sleep. Those days are clearly behind me.
Part of my embracing of 2013 has led to me accepting more of the evening out opportunities that are afforded one living in a vacation paradise. This has lead to midnight being "an early night" for the last 5 nights straight, and subsequently my turning into a pumpkin. Interestingly I have taken advantage of the being able to look like crap, but in all my sleep deprived state - still very happy.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Happy 2013!!!
Happy New Year - only a day late in making that wish to you is good for me.
It has been a very interesting close of 2012 for me. It is no secret that I didn't have the best year - professionally or personally. The close of such an annus horribilis would normally have been a time of great anxiety for me. It would have led to much soul searching, bemoaning the hand that fate has dealt me, and schemes for a better new year.
However, against all odds, and perhaps good sense, I have a good feeling about 2013. I have no scientific evidence to back up such a claim, and nothing has happened per se in my life to lead me to this belief. I just know it to be true, truly. It isn't one of those hoping for the best things; I actually know that 2013 is destined to bring great things for me. Perhaps my inner intuition is blossoming here in my 40th year, or perhaps the logical side of me is just playing the odds - statistically I am due for a good year. Regardless of the reason, I am fully embracing this feeling and going into 2013 with an open spirit.
Therefore, I make only one "resolution" for the year - I will be open to all that 2013 has to bring. Here's to a great year.
It has been a very interesting close of 2012 for me. It is no secret that I didn't have the best year - professionally or personally. The close of such an annus horribilis would normally have been a time of great anxiety for me. It would have led to much soul searching, bemoaning the hand that fate has dealt me, and schemes for a better new year.
However, against all odds, and perhaps good sense, I have a good feeling about 2013. I have no scientific evidence to back up such a claim, and nothing has happened per se in my life to lead me to this belief. I just know it to be true, truly. It isn't one of those hoping for the best things; I actually know that 2013 is destined to bring great things for me. Perhaps my inner intuition is blossoming here in my 40th year, or perhaps the logical side of me is just playing the odds - statistically I am due for a good year. Regardless of the reason, I am fully embracing this feeling and going into 2013 with an open spirit.
Therefore, I make only one "resolution" for the year - I will be open to all that 2013 has to bring. Here's to a great year.
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