Shapeless

So I have past out of shape and moved right into the shapeless category. Let's just say that I have been less than stellar about going to the gym these days. I would love to blame my job which is usually my go to excuse, but I spent most of the day on the couch yesterday doing nothing. My excuse for not going to the gym - I didn't want to.

Why can I not get myself motivated? Part of the problem is my perception that I don't have to work out. For reasons that are beyond my understanding, I have been able to continue to lose weight despite my laziness. Ergo I don't "need" to work out. Now the obvious answer to that is I could lose weight faster or perhaps eat more if I were willing to expend some calories in the gym, but we really shouldn't confuse my whole premise with facts.

The even better reason to go to the gym is that I am horribly out of shape. I just climbed two flights of stairs, and was short of breath when I reached the top. We use ability to climb stairs without shortness of breath as a criteria for lung resections. Luckily I don't smoke and have less chance of lung cancer because I am not sure I could qualify for a resection. One would think at least my competitiveness gene should kick in a little here. My friend Kris ran 10 miles this weekend - all at one time. My friend Bree ran 20 miles - on purpose!?! I have no desire (nor quite frankly the ability) to compete in their leagues, but shouldn't I at least care about looking like such a slacker around them?

Call musings

I am on call today. Woke up late so have spent the entire day "running behind". I had a take back for bleeding this AM (I didn't do the original case), and am now actually sitting at my desk studying for my boards. Thought I would share the words to one of my new favorite Sugarland songs.

It Happens

Missed my alarm clock ringing
Woke up, telephone screaming
Boss man singing his same old song

Rolled in late about an hour
No cup of coffee, no shower
Walk of shame with two different shoes on

Now it is poor me, why me, oh me
Boring the same old worn out blah, blah story
There is no good explanation for it at all

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing

Life don't go quite like you planned it
Why try so hard to understand it
Irrefutable, indisputable
Fact is

Yeah, the irrefutable, indisputable
Absoluteable, totally beautiful
Fact is psssh it happens.

Rip-Off

I wear my "real" work clothes for about 1 1/2 hours a day - an hour in the morning for rounds, and 30 minutes at the end of the day on the way home. The rest of the day I wear hospital provided pajamas - which make no one look cute (sorry Dr Ray). Despite my part-time use of my clothes, I pay full price for them when I buy them. I also - it turns out - pay full price when I dry clean them. I can't believe how much it costs to dry clean clothes.

Okay, not entirely true. I once knew how much it cost, and then I got fat. For the past several months, I have mostly worn scrubs. Now that I can wear my clothes again, I have rediscovered the cost of dry cleaning - and I am not a happy camper. I am not even exactly sure what they actually do to my clothes. I have a sneaky suspicion that they simply hang them in a steam bath, put them on a hanger and give them back to me all the while trying not to laugh. (Sorry by the way for my long sentences - I have been trying to learn to love Faulkner, and it seems to be rubbing off.)

At least my clothes last a really long time argues my dad. What girl on the planet wants her clothes to last forever? I really can't justify buying the new really cute black pencil skirt when I have 6 at home that are still in incredibly good shape. Although Kris would argue that idea never stops me from buying a new denim skirt. Obviously I picked up my dry cleaning today. I vented and now I promise to move on.

FOUND - one dose lost optimism

Perhaps my 8 hours of mindless television yesterday were not a complete waste. I went to bed last night, actually fell asleep and slept the entire night (this is unique for me as of late.) Even better, I woke up this morning feeling something I haven't felt in a few months - optimism. It hasn't told me yet where it went or for that matter why it finally decided to come home, but I am so happy to have it back.

I have let this job search business "steal my joy" to quote my friend Kris, and made me forget how much I actually love what I do and what a great life I really live. No more. I will continue to actively pursue the jobs that I have on the table, and continue to look for more, but I will no longer allow the process to take away my enjoyment in life.

Marathon Training

Unlike my friends Bree, Kris, Meg and Jill - I am not referring to running. I would probably be much more healthy if I was. However, the marathon training that I did today involved my television. I don't watch a lot of television anymore, but I occasionally have weekends where I completely turn into a couch potato.

This was one of those weekends. My channel of choice - Oxygen. I started a Sunday marathon of America's Next Top Model, and have been hooked all day. Very sad, but true. We won't even discuss all the things productive that I could have done this weekend. Besides, I don't have time - I need to go root for Danielle in the next three eliminations.

Enough with the black

Given the amount of black worn in this city one would have thought I got confused and accidentally moved to New York City. All I can say is enough already. Why is it that people think head to toe black 24/7 is a good look? No wonder everyone is grumpy here - they have NO color in their life.

I have been aware of the fondness for black for a while, but it seems to be intensifying. Shouldn't spring bring color? I walked downtown this morning and I kid not - I saw exactly 3 people not in black. I live in the City - I saw a lot of people this morning. People even dress their kids in black here.

Well, I have caved on a lot here, but I stand firm on this. Most importantly, I don't look good in black. It is just not my color. I don't know if it is that I am too pink or my hair too fair, but it looks harsh on me. I will take navy or brown any day of the week. Maybe everyone else here had my problem with weight gain in this city and this is their way of coping. I'll take Michelle, my nutritionist, any day of the week over such a depressing wardrobe.

Not that I am counting

Not that I am counting, but I have 103 days left in my training. Really not counting the 3,550 days of training that I have already completed. I have 13 days of call remaining not including the 14 hrs and 3 minutes that I have left on the call that I am currently suffering through. Two days before spring is "officially" here, not that Philly seems to care. We won't even discuss the infinity of time that I seem to have left before I find a job.

Obviously, I have too much time on my hands today. As mentioned, I am on call. We all know how much I love call, but for some reason today is even more INCREDIBLY, EXCRUCIATINGLY, ASTOUNDINGLY painful. My ADHD (attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder for any living under a rock) is at an all time high. I actually know 1 year old children with greater attention spans than mine. I can't concentrate on anything. Today alone, I have tried to study, tried to write a paper, tried to teach the medical students, tried to read a journal article, tried to read a newspaper article, and tried to listen attentively to my junior fellow's marital troubles - the only success I have had so far is to go completely out of my mind.

At least I am off this weekend, although I am not sure what I am going to do with myself. The way I see it I have two options. I can medicate myself into a deep coma and sleep the entire weekend, or find something to do that requires so much concentration to stay safe that I can actually distract myself from the thoughts swirling in my mind. I'll keep you posted.