I have often asked if some people looked in a mirror before they leave home. This question gets asked a lot here in Philly. As I wandered around a local outlet mall today, I caught myself again questioning people's "final check" before going out in public. After the 20th such person, I began to question my assumption - surely someone has a mirror. Perhaps they do check, but their mirror is just much kinder than mine.
I am currently at a medically healthy weight for my height and build. Is that what I see when I look in the mirror? Of course not. When I look in the mirror, it is never followed by affirmations. I am 10-15 lbs away from "thin", and 20-25 lbs away from "Hollywood thin". I look in the mirror and immediately catalogue all of my faults. I see too big breasts, big belly, butt that is a mile wide and sagging halfway down my thighs, etc.
I know that I am not a lone in this self defeating behavior. I have a friend who is tall, thin, abs to die for and beautiful. When she looks in the mirror - she only sees her thighs. Another friend who is tiny by any one's definition - she only sees breasts that are "too small" and broad shoulders. Why do we do this to ourselves?
Why can't we be more like these people I see around town. I saw a lady today about my height, but had me beat by at least 150lbs. She was wearing a tight halter and mini - quite frankly she rocked it. She rocked it because she owned it. I meanwhile had spent extra time hiding my "flaws" before leaving the house.
I am not suggesting that we all eat whatever we want and become grossly unhealthy. However, I am beginning to think that we should all give ourselves a break and more importantly a kinder gentler mirror. Will I stop trying to loose those last 15 lbs - probably not, but I will at least give try to give the current body a break from the endless abuse.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Chicken or the egg??
I have often been perplexed how certain people and things always seem to actually fit into pigeon holes. For example, a certain group of patients that I see with the same diagnosis (which I will leave out on the off chance someone who reads this has it) are all crazy. I don't mean a little different - I mean close to certifiable. It is well know among all in my field. Each field of medicine has a similar group. Does the disease make them crazy or do only crazy people get the disease? I had similar thoughts today when I read an article on MSN about astrology. Do I so perfectly fit my sign because I was born in April? Or have I adapted to fit my sign over the years?
Here is what it said:
Taurus, the second sign of the Zodiac, is all about reward. Unlike the Aries love of the game, Taurus loves the rewards of the game. Think physical pleasures and material goods, for those born under this Sign revel in delicious excess. They are also a tactile lot, enjoying a tender, even sensual, touch. Taureans adore comfort and like being surrounded by pleasing, soothing things. Along these lines, they also favor a good meal and a fine wine. The good life in all its guises, whether it's the arts or art of their own making (yes, these folks are artistic as well), is heaven on Earth to the Taurean-born.
It's the Bull that serves as the Taurean's mascot, and along with that comes the expectation that these folks are bull-headed and stubborn. Yes they are. Hey, this Sign has a Fixed Quality attached to it after all, so expect that things will occasionally grind to a halt. That said, Taureans don't start out with the intention of getting stuck. They simply want to get things done, and it's that steady, dogged persistence that winds up being viewed as stubbornness. Bulls are actually among the most practical and reliable members of the Zodiac, and they are happy to plod along, as it were, in pursuit of their goals. The good news for Bulls is that once they get to the finish line, they'll swaddle themselves in material goods. A self-indulgent beast? Perhaps, but if you toiled as laboriously as these folks do, you'd need some goodies, too.
Bring on the swaddling.
Here is what it said:
Taurus, the second sign of the Zodiac, is all about reward. Unlike the Aries love of the game, Taurus loves the rewards of the game. Think physical pleasures and material goods, for those born under this Sign revel in delicious excess. They are also a tactile lot, enjoying a tender, even sensual, touch. Taureans adore comfort and like being surrounded by pleasing, soothing things. Along these lines, they also favor a good meal and a fine wine. The good life in all its guises, whether it's the arts or art of their own making (yes, these folks are artistic as well), is heaven on Earth to the Taurean-born.
It's the Bull that serves as the Taurean's mascot, and along with that comes the expectation that these folks are bull-headed and stubborn. Yes they are. Hey, this Sign has a Fixed Quality attached to it after all, so expect that things will occasionally grind to a halt. That said, Taureans don't start out with the intention of getting stuck. They simply want to get things done, and it's that steady, dogged persistence that winds up being viewed as stubbornness. Bulls are actually among the most practical and reliable members of the Zodiac, and they are happy to plod along, as it were, in pursuit of their goals. The good news for Bulls is that once they get to the finish line, they'll swaddle themselves in material goods. A self-indulgent beast? Perhaps, but if you toiled as laboriously as these folks do, you'd need some goodies, too.
Bring on the swaddling.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Gremlins
Since Hollywood seems to be in the process of remaking every film from my childhood, I am hoping Gremlins is next. I am fairly certain that I currently am living with at least 3. My friend Jess and her family were up this past weekend. Unfortunately, my place wasn't spic and span, but it was at least reasonably presentable. We enjoyed a nice weekend although I worked way too much of it. I was in house on call Sunday, and they headed back to DC.
When I came home on Monday, my apartment looked still in need of dusting ( I had hoped Micah would have a go at it), but otherwise as it had been on Friday. I threw in some laundry, had breakfast, and curled up on the couch for a nap. At some point, I woke up and threw in a new load of laundry, had lunch and moved my nap to the floor. Next time I regain consciousness it is 2:45 am and I am answering a wrong number call from my work phone.
After politely informing the caller that I had zero interest in his ridiculous consult, I looked around my apartment. I had been ransacked. There were dirty clothes in the hallway. . . clean clothes in the chair . . . dirty dishes in the sink . . . empty Indian food containers on the counter. . . and a full sleeping quarters in the middle of the living room floor. How can I (a fairly neat person at baseline) completely destroy my apartment in less than 12 hours? Appalled as I was, I did not clean up at 2:45 this morning. I crawled back into my comfy floor bed and went back to sleep. I am dreading going home today though, because I am afraid what the Gremlins have been up to while I was gone.
When I came home on Monday, my apartment looked still in need of dusting ( I had hoped Micah would have a go at it), but otherwise as it had been on Friday. I threw in some laundry, had breakfast, and curled up on the couch for a nap. At some point, I woke up and threw in a new load of laundry, had lunch and moved my nap to the floor. Next time I regain consciousness it is 2:45 am and I am answering a wrong number call from my work phone.
After politely informing the caller that I had zero interest in his ridiculous consult, I looked around my apartment. I had been ransacked. There were dirty clothes in the hallway. . . clean clothes in the chair . . . dirty dishes in the sink . . . empty Indian food containers on the counter. . . and a full sleeping quarters in the middle of the living room floor. How can I (a fairly neat person at baseline) completely destroy my apartment in less than 12 hours? Appalled as I was, I did not clean up at 2:45 this morning. I crawled back into my comfy floor bed and went back to sleep. I am dreading going home today though, because I am afraid what the Gremlins have been up to while I was gone.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I'm It
I was "tagged" by my friend Jessica in her blog, and since my life is so boring I had nothing else to talk about - here goes.
8 Things I am looking forward to . . .
1. A Job
2. A place (state, city, dwelling) to call my own
3. A salary that soothes the pain of my sacrifices
4. Trips to visit friends that I haven't seen in way too long
5. Alex's wedding in Hawaii (I am so going)
6. Tennis lessons
7. Full night's sleep
8. Time
8 Things I did yesterday . . .
1. CPR (patient survived - at least he was still alive when I left)
2. Pulmonary conference (boring)
3. LONG HOT shower
4. Really good work-out
5. nap on my couch (I was post call in case you haven't figured it out)
6. America's Next Top Model marathon
7. "Grilled" a steak for dinner
8. Went to bed embarrassingly early
8 Things I wish I could do . . .
1. Find a job
2. Draw
3. Play tennis
4. Swim
5. Remember more often to be thankful for what I have
6. Eco vacation
7. Adventure vacation
8. Move to Tuscany
8 Things I am currently watching . . . (only the first with any regularity)
1. LOST
2. West Wing
3. Law and Order
4. Closer
5. Oprah
6. My second year resident trying to learn to open a chest
7. CTSNET for new job opportunities
8. my life pass by (kidding)
Okay - I think that is everything. Flying to Syracuse tonight for my job interview. Still hoping to hear back from Miami. New job interview for Univ of Mass - Worcester. I seem destined to live up North (teach me to move here in the first place).
8 Things I am looking forward to . . .
1. A Job
2. A place (state, city, dwelling) to call my own
3. A salary that soothes the pain of my sacrifices
4. Trips to visit friends that I haven't seen in way too long
5. Alex's wedding in Hawaii (I am so going)
6. Tennis lessons
7. Full night's sleep
8. Time
8 Things I did yesterday . . .
1. CPR (patient survived - at least he was still alive when I left)
2. Pulmonary conference (boring)
3. LONG HOT shower
4. Really good work-out
5. nap on my couch (I was post call in case you haven't figured it out)
6. America's Next Top Model marathon
7. "Grilled" a steak for dinner
8. Went to bed embarrassingly early
8 Things I wish I could do . . .
1. Find a job
2. Draw
3. Play tennis
4. Swim
5. Remember more often to be thankful for what I have
6. Eco vacation
7. Adventure vacation
8. Move to Tuscany
8 Things I am currently watching . . . (only the first with any regularity)
1. LOST
2. West Wing
3. Law and Order
4. Closer
5. Oprah
6. My second year resident trying to learn to open a chest
7. CTSNET for new job opportunities
8. my life pass by (kidding)
Okay - I think that is everything. Flying to Syracuse tonight for my job interview. Still hoping to hear back from Miami. New job interview for Univ of Mass - Worcester. I seem destined to live up North (teach me to move here in the first place).
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Practicing Faith
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence
of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence
of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Running hungry
I have lots of friends who are runners. I have often blogged about how envious I am of these friends. They actually enjoy running. They run for fun, friendship, and that mythical runners high. Not me as I have previously stated, I run for what it does for my body. (The only high I feel during running comes from hypoxia.) Or I should qualify what it used to do for my body.
When I "got in shape" 4 years ago, I sensibly combined exercise and a healthy diet. It worked quite well for me and allowed me to continue at a "wouldn't kill me to drop 10lbs, but I look okay" weight for 3 years. As mentioned, I gained weight when I moved to Philly. I have gotten most of it off. However there's a catch.
Instead of my previously used method, I just changed my diet. I didn't starve myself - I just dropped my calories with smarter choices. I was happy that I could wear my clothes again, but not thrilled with the way I looked in them. My arms had lost all definition, my legs (once my best asset) now begged for cover, my butt headed in all directions but North, and we won't even discuss my abs. Therefore last week, I decided to recommit to an exercise plan - specifically running and weights.
I was actually quite excited. I had stalled on my weight loss and figured a little cardio on my previous diet would get things started again. Boy was I wrong. I have actually gained weight since I started exercising. The reason: I can't quit eating. I run in the mornings. Not because I am a morning person (as we all know) or because the books tell you that morning is the best time to exercise. I run in the morning because it is the most consistent time that I can count on being mine. I do best with schedules. I need someone to physically drag my butt into the gym evenings (where are you Jill?), but I seem to be able to get there on my own at 4am (ironic huh?).
However, the fall out of that early morning work-out seems to be a ravenous appetite for the rest of the day. I have tried everything - protein, starch, even fat for breakfast - all to no avail. I refuse to quit exercising because the sane person in my head knows that it is the right thing to do. I just need to quiet the insane person in my head that thinks - wow I ran this morning - "Let's have a cupcake." I am at least choosing to believe that I am building a very toned body under these layers of adipose. Just need to keep chipping away.
When I "got in shape" 4 years ago, I sensibly combined exercise and a healthy diet. It worked quite well for me and allowed me to continue at a "wouldn't kill me to drop 10lbs, but I look okay" weight for 3 years. As mentioned, I gained weight when I moved to Philly. I have gotten most of it off. However there's a catch.
Instead of my previously used method, I just changed my diet. I didn't starve myself - I just dropped my calories with smarter choices. I was happy that I could wear my clothes again, but not thrilled with the way I looked in them. My arms had lost all definition, my legs (once my best asset) now begged for cover, my butt headed in all directions but North, and we won't even discuss my abs. Therefore last week, I decided to recommit to an exercise plan - specifically running and weights.
I was actually quite excited. I had stalled on my weight loss and figured a little cardio on my previous diet would get things started again. Boy was I wrong. I have actually gained weight since I started exercising. The reason: I can't quit eating. I run in the mornings. Not because I am a morning person (as we all know) or because the books tell you that morning is the best time to exercise. I run in the morning because it is the most consistent time that I can count on being mine. I do best with schedules. I need someone to physically drag my butt into the gym evenings (where are you Jill?), but I seem to be able to get there on my own at 4am (ironic huh?).
However, the fall out of that early morning work-out seems to be a ravenous appetite for the rest of the day. I have tried everything - protein, starch, even fat for breakfast - all to no avail. I refuse to quit exercising because the sane person in my head knows that it is the right thing to do. I just need to quiet the insane person in my head that thinks - wow I ran this morning - "Let's have a cupcake." I am at least choosing to believe that I am building a very toned body under these layers of adipose. Just need to keep chipping away.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Comfort Food
When most people think of comfort food, they dream of mac & cheese, roast beef, mom's apple pie. Not me - I think french fries. I don't know why, but as long as I can remember, french fries were my go to food. I can pass up potato chips, baked potatoes, and mashed potatoes, but I have never met a french fry I didn't love. They quite simply make me feel better.
I needed feeling better this weekend. I was on call Thursday night. It wasn't a horrible call, but I can think of much better ways to spend the night. However, it left me feeling vulnerable on Friday. I couldn't keep up my sunny front. The reality of my situation overwhelmed me all of a sudden. I spent the car drive to my apartment crying on the phone to my mother. Once home I showered and took a nap hoping to sleep it off. It didn't work. I woke up in the same funk. I settled on the couch with a bag of Pita chips and hours of mindless television.
I decided today that my funk needed sunshine. It was actually a sunny day here in Philly. It has been cold and rainy all week so everyone was out. I started at the bookstore. Thanks to my mom, bookstores always have the ability to make me feel at least marginally better. I picked up a few books and then headed to the retail stores. I actually bought a shirt at Anthropologie. I am not sure that I will ever have the nerve to wear it, but at least it felt like a step outside my box. I hit all my faves - Ann Taylor, Loft, Talbots, J Crew, Gap. I didn't buy much beyond my books and shirt, but started feeling better.
Funny aside. . . I was looking at a ridiculously priced shirt at J Crew when I overheard a lady ask the salesman if they had anything smaller than the 00. It was a little big at the waist for her. I mean seriously. Double Zero!!! Should they even make a zero? Doesn't that by definition mean that you don't exist as a size?
I still was feeling a little overwhelmed by the jobless thing so I decided to stop for some french fries on the way home. I haven't found any great fries here. At home - Zaxby's are probably my favorite, but here I had to settle for regular old fries. Don't get me wrong, all fries seem to work, but I like to expend my wasted calories well. I don't know that I am feeling at the top of my game, but I at least no longer feel like jumping off a bridge. Maybe I will try the movies tomorrow.
I needed feeling better this weekend. I was on call Thursday night. It wasn't a horrible call, but I can think of much better ways to spend the night. However, it left me feeling vulnerable on Friday. I couldn't keep up my sunny front. The reality of my situation overwhelmed me all of a sudden. I spent the car drive to my apartment crying on the phone to my mother. Once home I showered and took a nap hoping to sleep it off. It didn't work. I woke up in the same funk. I settled on the couch with a bag of Pita chips and hours of mindless television.
I decided today that my funk needed sunshine. It was actually a sunny day here in Philly. It has been cold and rainy all week so everyone was out. I started at the bookstore. Thanks to my mom, bookstores always have the ability to make me feel at least marginally better. I picked up a few books and then headed to the retail stores. I actually bought a shirt at Anthropologie. I am not sure that I will ever have the nerve to wear it, but at least it felt like a step outside my box. I hit all my faves - Ann Taylor, Loft, Talbots, J Crew, Gap. I didn't buy much beyond my books and shirt, but started feeling better.
Funny aside. . . I was looking at a ridiculously priced shirt at J Crew when I overheard a lady ask the salesman if they had anything smaller than the 00. It was a little big at the waist for her. I mean seriously. Double Zero!!! Should they even make a zero? Doesn't that by definition mean that you don't exist as a size?
I still was feeling a little overwhelmed by the jobless thing so I decided to stop for some french fries on the way home. I haven't found any great fries here. At home - Zaxby's are probably my favorite, but here I had to settle for regular old fries. Don't get me wrong, all fries seem to work, but I like to expend my wasted calories well. I don't know that I am feeling at the top of my game, but I at least no longer feel like jumping off a bridge. Maybe I will try the movies tomorrow.
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