Guilt

Several of my Jewish friends seem to think their mothers have the market on guilt, I respectfully beg to differ. My Southern mother has been pretty facile using it as a weapon for quite some time now. Guilt has been a factor in many of a personal decision since a very early age. Guilt has forced me to be more honest, kinder, giving, prayerful and more likely to call my mother every few days. At the end of the day, perhaps this is what guilt is supposed to do - make us better people. (I guess one could argue a truly good person wouldn't need guilt, but I've never claimed to be a truly good person.)

I am currently experiencing guilt of a whole new variety - consumerism/selfishness guilt. I have both consumed a lot and been very selfish in my day, so unsure why the guilt is just catching up with me. Perhaps it is the current degree of self-indulgence that is igniting the flame of guilt.

I leave tomorrow for a 6 day / 5 night stay at Canyon Ranch - the one in the Berkshires. For the entire week, I get to work-out, eat healthy, relax with a friend, and partake of "spa treatments". I have three different massages, a full body wrap, a facial and an aerial adventure trip scheduled already. I am also planning to do a hike, kayak trip and paddle boarding.

While there is a huge part of me that thinks this sounds like a little piece of heaven, there is another part of me that is having intense feelings of guilt. It is so bad that I have been incredibly vague about my plans here at work. I am pretty sure that everyone here thinks that I am going away for a romantic week at a B&B with Carl. (Yes - I giggle every time they mention it.) When I am finally pinned down to specifics, I find myself lowering my head and muttering - as if I am ashamed.

It can't be about the money, because quite honestly I haven't had a moment of guilt about my Louboutin shoes and they cost waaay more than a massage - or three. Is it the pure decadence of it that seems wrong to me? Are my Puritanical Anglican roots balking at the idea of spending that much attention on myself? Why can't they rear their head in the shoe and handbag departments at Neiman's?

Guilt or not - I leave tomorrow at noon. Cell phones and other modern communication technology are strictly forbidden except for the privacy of our rooms, so I will be going "off the grid" for the next week. Hope to come back well rested, refreshed and with a little less guilt baggage.