My Absence

My last post was in early April. It's fairly easy to catch you up since then - I went nuts. Mid-Life Crisis nuts. The kind of nuts that people end up checking out of their lives to beach huts in Jamaica selling bead bracelets nuts. Or married to a 20 yo nurse and driving a new Ferrari nuts (oh wait, that's all the men I know).

Let's just agree that 40 was not my friend.

Looking back, I still am not sure why I took 40 quite so hard. I have never been overly concerned with aging. I joke about it a lot, but deep down have always felt that I still look pretty good for my age. However, this year was different. I smiled and joked with my friends about turning the "big 4-0", but deep down I was not in a good place. The best explanation that I have been able to come up with is that I found myself at 40 not living the life that I had expected. What life I expected I'm not quite sure, but was certain that this was not it. I know that many of my friends thought this was an ovary thing, but I honestly don't think that was it. I am and have always been quite comfortable with my decision to not have children of my own. That being said, I do think this was about a personal fulfillment thing. I have grown into my job, and can honestly say that I enjoy it. However, I have not developed the personal life here that I expected. This is a tough town in which to be a single woman of an older age. It also doesn't help that I'm not Latina. It's not just about men - I haven't been able to build that network of great girl friends in this town that I've always been able to find. It just seems that Miami is just not a good fit for me.

Enter Karma.

Shortly after returning from a birthday trip to Nashville, I get a call from Bassam telling me there may be a job at his hospital for a Thoracic Surgeon. A few short weeks later, I have a job offer that I can't refuse in a city that I love. Okay, the decision wasn't quite that easy, but it did feel right. Looking back, I am not sure that I would have made the decision to leave my job to move had I not gone a little nuts. I have always made decisions based on what was best for my career giving no thought to what was best for my personal life. I think the craziness that was my life allowed me to put my personal happiness on par with my professional happiness. I am not sure that sane rational me would have been brave enough to make that decision. I won't tell you that I have no anxiety about leaving a professional comfort zone to enter an unknown world, but I am ecstatic to be moving back to a city that feels like home. I just have to believe that personally fulfilled Tammy will be an even better professionally fulfilled Tammy.

Fingers crossed.