I think I have an under appreciated talent. I am a very convincing liar to myself. The most interesting thing - I am a horrible liar to everyone else. I have an overdeveloped sense of guilt - and have never been able to lie well. However, it seems when it comes to myself - I will believe anything that I say. This has probably come in very handy as a survival tactic the last 10 years.
The only time that the system starts to fail is when I have a vacation coming or a trip planned. I work between 80-100 hours most weeks. I am not counting the reading that I do outside the hospital or the preparation required for cases. I have convinced myself that this is pretty good. (It is a whole lot better than it used to be before the "80 Hour Work week".) I tell myself that I have become lazy in my old age and should be doing more.
Then I plan a trip. For instance, this weekend I am heading to DC to visit an old friend that I haven't seen in ages. Suddenly, out of nowhere, last week the amount of time I spend at work started to really bug me. I have become grumpy and roll my eyes every time my phone rings. I am on call again tonight - my last one this month - but all I can see is that I am stuck doing a right VAD revision on a sick as crap cardiac patient. Before last week, that would not have bothered me. I would have convinced myself that it makes the night go faster.
My theory - for pure survival - my mind convinces me that life is all rosy when it sees no alternatives in the near future. However, when a chance for fun, rest and a small piece of normalcy presents itself - I become less tolerant of life as I know it. As soon as I get back on Monday, I will go right back to life is good what a lucky girl am I. My only concern - I have both a Thanksgiving vacation and an early December weekend trip to Nashville planned. Maybe since I have this weekend respite coming up - I can sail to the next trip without this grumpy bump in the road.
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