I had such grand plans. I would work here at Penn for July, take August off to move and be ready to start my new job on September 1st. Then I started doing the math - I don't like math, but was always good at it. Between now and my anticipated start date of September 1st, I need to accomplish the following:
1. obtain Florida license
2. obtain privileges for University of Miami Hospital
3. obtain privileges for Jackson Memorial Hospital
4. obtain privileges for Miami Veteran Affairs Hospital
5. fulfil billing criteria for University of Miami Physician Group
6. fly to Miami and find place to live
7. Move to Miami
8. Apply for my Thoracic boards
9. Study for my Thoracic Boards which are in October
10. Drop 40 lbs and increase my bust size by at least 3 cups
Oh, and did I forget that I was still expecting to hold down a truly "full time" job plus extra shifts on the weekend for money. What planet am I living on?
I have spent the better part of the last two days trying to accomplish number one, and am still days away from being even close to filing - much less obtaining a license to practice medicine in Florida. (No offense Jessica, but attorneys complicate things.) I spent much of my day at the police station being fingerprinted. I can't even wrap my mind around the remainder of the list. Don't worry #10 is a joke - at least mostly.
Therefore, today I came up with a new plan. Seven days from today will officially be my last day of training. After 10 years of post-graduate training, I am taking a break - a two month one. I decided after 120 months of residency - two months off would not cause the world to spin off it's axis. (Now this is just a theory, so if gravity starts failing us in July we know that I am to blame.) Hopefully this will not only allow me to complete my list, but add a few fun things to it. Perhaps visit some friends, get some munchkin time with Matt and Grace, sleep - dare I even say relax.
A voice inside of my head keeps telling me that this makes me lazy. It is probably right - I'll just learn to be okay with it.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Expectations
I expected that finding a job would offer me: a huge sense of relief, a good night's sleep, freedom from stress, a couple of day's of rest. What it has given me: a ridiculous amount of paperwork to fill out, stress over finding a place to life, insomnia from inability to turn off my brain. Be careful for what you wish.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Apologies to Ella Fitzgerald
At last my job has come along
My unemployed days are over
And life is like a song
At last the skies above are blue
My heart loves the ocean
My job I finally found you
I found a job that I could speak to
A job that I could call my own
I found a job to look forward to
I job I never dreamed of
I saw the Ocean and the spell was cast
Now I'm moving to Heaven
For the job is mine at last
At last my job has come along
My unemployed days are over
And Life is like a song
Miami here I come!!
thanks for sticking it out with me everyone.
My unemployed days are over
And life is like a song
At last the skies above are blue
My heart loves the ocean
My job I finally found you
I found a job that I could speak to
A job that I could call my own
I found a job to look forward to
I job I never dreamed of
I saw the Ocean and the spell was cast
Now I'm moving to Heaven
For the job is mine at last
At last my job has come along
My unemployed days are over
And Life is like a song
Miami here I come!!
thanks for sticking it out with me everyone.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Confidence
Webster's defines confidence as a "a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances." If asked, most people would describe me as a very confident person some would even use the word arrogant. The people who know me best would tell you that a fair degree of my "confidence" is an act to hide my insecurities. I think that is true about a lot of surgeons. Our "arrogance" is often an over exaggerated confidence that we are using to hide our insecurities. The insecurities can come from lots of places, and believe me mine do.
However, my performance at work has never been my insecurity source. I may not be the smartest doctor on the planet, but I am a good surgeon. I have good judgement, good bedside manner, and great hands. Or at least I once thought. The most frustrating part of this whole job search saga is that it has rocked my confidence the one place that it was true and not an act. It has made me question my abilities as a surgeon. I hate it! Why am I giving away power to these men?
I think somewhere deep down inside the confident resourceful girl still exists. I just need to dig deep and find her.
However, my performance at work has never been my insecurity source. I may not be the smartest doctor on the planet, but I am a good surgeon. I have good judgement, good bedside manner, and great hands. Or at least I once thought. The most frustrating part of this whole job search saga is that it has rocked my confidence the one place that it was true and not an act. It has made me question my abilities as a surgeon. I hate it! Why am I giving away power to these men?
I think somewhere deep down inside the confident resourceful girl still exists. I just need to dig deep and find her.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Sleep Deprived Musings
Fact - 6 hours of sleep in 48 hours is not enough for my 36 year old brain. Now I can proudly tell tales of "when I was a resident before the 80 hour work week" and we lived at the hospital. Stories of every other night call and days with almost zero sleep. Those stories would be true, but they were a different time - most notably, I a lot younger me time. I mean 10 years is a LONG time (decade as a matter of fact), and I personally think surgical years count something like dog years - each year should really count for at least three.
Why am I sleep deprived? Well I took a tour of airports the last two days. I am working on becoming quite the connoisseur. I went up for my interview at U Mass Tuesday evening. My plane was 4 hours late leaving Philly. I didn't make it to my hotel room until midnight. My flight back yesterday was 5 hours late, and I crawled very meekly into my bed at 3 this morning. As an aside, there should be laws against alarm clocks that go off at 5 am. We have 8 cases today so no rest for the VERY weary.
My interview went well - I think. I no longer trust my read on these things. (As a matter of fact I am currently having a serious crisis of confidence, but will leave that to another day.) I found New England to be quite charming, and the job has definite possibility. I fly (or at least attempt) to Miami on Monday. This entire experience, for lack of a better word, has been a great character builder and all, but I seriously need it to be over soon. I am not sure how much more I can take - mentally or physically.
Three cases down - five more to go. Just got to hold on.
Why am I sleep deprived? Well I took a tour of airports the last two days. I am working on becoming quite the connoisseur. I went up for my interview at U Mass Tuesday evening. My plane was 4 hours late leaving Philly. I didn't make it to my hotel room until midnight. My flight back yesterday was 5 hours late, and I crawled very meekly into my bed at 3 this morning. As an aside, there should be laws against alarm clocks that go off at 5 am. We have 8 cases today so no rest for the VERY weary.
My interview went well - I think. I no longer trust my read on these things. (As a matter of fact I am currently having a serious crisis of confidence, but will leave that to another day.) I found New England to be quite charming, and the job has definite possibility. I fly (or at least attempt) to Miami on Monday. This entire experience, for lack of a better word, has been a great character builder and all, but I seriously need it to be over soon. I am not sure how much more I can take - mentally or physically.
Three cases down - five more to go. Just got to hold on.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Bad Habits
I seem to have developed several bad habits lately. Well, that is not entirely correct, some of them I have had for a while, but they seem to be exacerbated lately. I have always felt that as long as you knew your short comings you were a step up, but am now willing to admit that is just laziness. One should not only recognize their failings, but actively try to correct them. Here is my list:
Cursing - interestingly I didn't start cursing until I became a surgeon. Even then it wasn't a conscious choice, it just happened. My mom is very anti swearing. So much so that to this day, she has never heard me curse. However, my swearing away from my mother has started to bother me. It was one thing when it was an occasional word said in the OR to get a point across. Now, it almost seems that it has become part of my normal vocabulary - I don't even recognize the words as offensive anymore. I am now making a concerted effort - so far so good.
Television - I watched a lot of TV growing up. I always argue this to my friends who don't let their kids watch any TV. I think I turned out okay (for a surgeon). During my surgery training, I all but stopped watching TV altogether. I had so little free time, there was always something else I preferred to be doing. Sometime during the last 9 months, I have become a TV junkie again. It started with TV for background noise, and then winter hit and I certainly didn't want to go outside so TV for distraction. Somehow it all spiraled and my TV was on from the time I got home from work until the time I went to bed. I was getting nothing accomplished. I decided to go cold turkey this weekend. I was post call on Friday. After my nap on the couch, I woke up and started to flip on the TV. I caught myself and realized that if I did that, I would accomplish nothing else that day. Post call days can be difficult days for motivation. Therefore, I walked over and unplugged it. I spent my entire weekend off sans television, and although hard at first, it turned into a very liberating experience. I remembered things that I enjoy doing. I cleaned, walked along the Schuylkill, went shopping, read in the park, did yoga, listened to music, relaxed, etc. I will probably plug my TV back in for a little CNN occasionally, but hopefully I will now realize that life can be good without the talking heads.
Planning my life instead of living it - now this one is harder. I have spent 10 years thinking about what I would do when I "finish my training". I have grand and glorious plans. However, as I approach the end of my training, I haven't really put any of these plans into action. I still keep thinking of all the things that I will do - some day. You know, planning a great life is a lot easier than living one. To live a great life, you have to be involved and take risks. You have to put yourself out there. I once knew how to do that, but am not sure that I remember how anymore. I don't just mean with guys, I am talking about in general. The last time I got involved in something, not medically related was a really long time ago, and I am sure that Kris made me to it. This also pertains to my last bad habit . . .
Hobbies or the lack thereof - I am currently looking for my lost hobbies. I am sure that I had them once, but seem to have misplaced them during one of my moves the last 10 years. Has anyone seen them? I tried to ask around and steal some of my colleagues hobbies, but they don't have any either. They don't even play golf with any regularity. Why is it that my career choice and hobbies don't seem to go together? I think moments of rest and relaxation (i.e. the definition of what hobbies provide) is something I would want my surgeon to have plenty. He/She should feel nice and refreshed before starting my case. I still read occasionally, but not sure that this qualifies. I want to learn to play tennis - someday. I am a girl desperately in need of outside interests - ideas????
Cursing - interestingly I didn't start cursing until I became a surgeon. Even then it wasn't a conscious choice, it just happened. My mom is very anti swearing. So much so that to this day, she has never heard me curse. However, my swearing away from my mother has started to bother me. It was one thing when it was an occasional word said in the OR to get a point across. Now, it almost seems that it has become part of my normal vocabulary - I don't even recognize the words as offensive anymore. I am now making a concerted effort - so far so good.
Television - I watched a lot of TV growing up. I always argue this to my friends who don't let their kids watch any TV. I think I turned out okay (for a surgeon). During my surgery training, I all but stopped watching TV altogether. I had so little free time, there was always something else I preferred to be doing. Sometime during the last 9 months, I have become a TV junkie again. It started with TV for background noise, and then winter hit and I certainly didn't want to go outside so TV for distraction. Somehow it all spiraled and my TV was on from the time I got home from work until the time I went to bed. I was getting nothing accomplished. I decided to go cold turkey this weekend. I was post call on Friday. After my nap on the couch, I woke up and started to flip on the TV. I caught myself and realized that if I did that, I would accomplish nothing else that day. Post call days can be difficult days for motivation. Therefore, I walked over and unplugged it. I spent my entire weekend off sans television, and although hard at first, it turned into a very liberating experience. I remembered things that I enjoy doing. I cleaned, walked along the Schuylkill, went shopping, read in the park, did yoga, listened to music, relaxed, etc. I will probably plug my TV back in for a little CNN occasionally, but hopefully I will now realize that life can be good without the talking heads.
Planning my life instead of living it - now this one is harder. I have spent 10 years thinking about what I would do when I "finish my training". I have grand and glorious plans. However, as I approach the end of my training, I haven't really put any of these plans into action. I still keep thinking of all the things that I will do - some day. You know, planning a great life is a lot easier than living one. To live a great life, you have to be involved and take risks. You have to put yourself out there. I once knew how to do that, but am not sure that I remember how anymore. I don't just mean with guys, I am talking about in general. The last time I got involved in something, not medically related was a really long time ago, and I am sure that Kris made me to it. This also pertains to my last bad habit . . .
Hobbies or the lack thereof - I am currently looking for my lost hobbies. I am sure that I had them once, but seem to have misplaced them during one of my moves the last 10 years. Has anyone seen them? I tried to ask around and steal some of my colleagues hobbies, but they don't have any either. They don't even play golf with any regularity. Why is it that my career choice and hobbies don't seem to go together? I think moments of rest and relaxation (i.e. the definition of what hobbies provide) is something I would want my surgeon to have plenty. He/She should feel nice and refreshed before starting my case. I still read occasionally, but not sure that this qualifies. I want to learn to play tennis - someday. I am a girl desperately in need of outside interests - ideas????
Monday, June 1, 2009
Chivalry
I miss chivalry. I feel a little guilty making that statement, but it is true. The feminist in me points out that I am perfectly capable of opening my door, and that they make ladders for top shelves. However, the Southern girl in me knows that even though I am perfectly capable to do all those things, that there is something very nice about a guy that feels the need to do them for you.
Maybe it is related to where I grew up, or maybe it is just a character flaw that I have, but I find chivalry nice. I don't look at it as a "weaker" vs "stronger" sex. I see it as a way of showing respect and honor. I think it is okay to recognize that men and women are not the same.
That last statement will get me into trouble with some of you. It has before - it ranks right up there with my theory that women can't have it all. Perhaps it is because I mostly work with men, but the older I get the more I recognize that men and women really aren't from the same planet. I am sure that some of these differences are related to the way that boys are raised, but I am certain that some are hard-wired. I don't argue that one sex is better, but I do believe that we are different, and I think celebrating our differences is okay. Now - let the recriminations begin.
Maybe it is related to where I grew up, or maybe it is just a character flaw that I have, but I find chivalry nice. I don't look at it as a "weaker" vs "stronger" sex. I see it as a way of showing respect and honor. I think it is okay to recognize that men and women are not the same.
That last statement will get me into trouble with some of you. It has before - it ranks right up there with my theory that women can't have it all. Perhaps it is because I mostly work with men, but the older I get the more I recognize that men and women really aren't from the same planet. I am sure that some of these differences are related to the way that boys are raised, but I am certain that some are hard-wired. I don't argue that one sex is better, but I do believe that we are different, and I think celebrating our differences is okay. Now - let the recriminations begin.
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