Farewell 2008

I have conflicted feelings about 2008. It was a year of highs and lows for me. Professionally, I finished my Cardiothoracic fellowship, but for reasons I currently question I tacked on an additional year. Socially, I have met some great new friends and moved closer to some great old friends, but have moved too far away from some of my best friends. Financially, I would complain about how poorly surgical trainees are paid, but in light of the current economy it would make me look incredibly petty. Personally, I still haven't figured out the whole guy thing. I was hoping that Northern guys would have less issues with my job, but I guess at the end of the day guys are the same everywhere.

I can't say that 2008 will be a year that I look back on with a lot of fond feelings, but I will count my blessings. I have a job that I enjoy; AMAZING friends; good health (even if it is only "good for my age"), and a wonderful family. All in all not a horrible way to end a year. Here is hoping for a happy, healthy and financially secure 2009 for all of us!

Holiday Hangover

Why is it that following any small amount of time away from work, especially for a holiday, I always struggle getting back into the groove of things? I am at work today where we have a relatively busy day, but I am just not feeling it. I have a cup of coffee and an espresso, but still sluggish. I think there is something about holidays that gets into your system and refuses to let go. I think that I am by nature an incredibly lazy person that struggles motivating whenever I slow down at all. I guess the answer would be to not slow down, but that doesn't sound like fun.

Parents still in town until tomorrow. Good trip so far. We spent the day playing tourists in Philly on Saturday. I finally got around to seeing that broken Bell. It was colder than I would have liked, but not horrible. Yesterday we headed to NYC. Weather was fantastic. It was in the 60's for most of the day with no rain. Couldn't have asked for better in December. LOTS of other people also wanted to take in the Rockefeller tree, but still had a great time. Will post pictures tomorrow once I can reclaim my home office.

Guess I should actually go work now.

White Christmas

It took 35 years and a trip to New Jersey, but I had my first ever white Christmas. It wasn't freshly fallen snow, but there was lots of it; so I am counting it. My friend Beth and her family took pity on the orphan this Christmas and invited me up to their house for the last two days. I had a wonderful time. She has a 15 year old step-daughter and an almost 3 year old. It was exactly what my lagging Christmas spirit needed. Christmas through the eyes of the young is the best way to view Christmas.

We started Christmas Eve with a delicious dinner cooked by Beth's mom. Can I just say she was wasted on the corporate world - she belongs in a kitchen. We spent the rest of the evening opening gifts and talking around the tree. In all honesty, I spent most of the evening playing with Giulia's new doll house - it is AMAZING. I love "old-fashioned" wood toys - they are so much cooler than the plastic crap that is out there these days. It is nice to see that Beth must have similar feelings. They have some seriously cool toys in their house. I would have stolen the doll house if I could have figured out how to get in to my car in the snow and ice.

Christmas morning I had the joy of watching the girls take in their Santa stash. They must have both been very good this year. Calla got more sports equipment this one year than I have accumulated in a lifetime. She also received my idea of heaven - an entire box of books. Giulia can now play a mean game of dress up and is now a budding ballerina.

All in all it helped turn what I had in my head made into a horrible Christmas a most delightful one. I will say it one more time - I have absolutely hands down the best friends in the world.

Parents coming to town today. Excited to see them, but not sure how we are all going to fit into my small apartment. Wish me luck. Hope everyone had a great holiday. Talk to all of you soon.

A Christmas Carol

Since I have been such a Scrooge this Christmas, I thought it fitting to reread the original Dickens version. I have included a portion for you.

"He had no further intercourse with Spirits, but lived upon the Total Abstinence Principle, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any many alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless us, Every One!

Merry Christmas everyone!

I need a maid

I am not a messy person - truly I am not. When I say my place is a mess, it usually means that I have been too lazy to unload the dishwasher and there is a dirty plate in the sink. I tend to like order - shocker I know, so I put things back where I got them. Most things in my house have a "place" and it is fairly easy for them to find their way home.

However, some general housekeeping chores I hate. Dusting, mopping and cleaning the bathrooms come quickly to mind. I don't want a maid to wait on me hand and foot - I just want one to clean my bathrooms and dust. I think that is a perfectly reasonable request.

I have a friend who could afford outside cleaning help, but has too many guilt issues about hiring someone (you know who you are). I will be completely honest - I don't get it. Despite the 15 minutes immediately after I walk out of a Wal-mart in disgust, I have no deeply hidden feelings of superiority. It is for me about having someone help with tasks that I find incredibly painful. I have no issues having someone else change the oil in my car although my dad made sure that I know how to do it myself. I refuse to feel guilty about the fact that come July and that real job thing - I will NEVER ever voluntarily clean my bathroom again.

As is probably obvious, I have spent most of the evening getting my apartment ready for parental viewing. It is amazing how things look so incredibly different when you know that your mom is going to see it. Is it just me or does anyone else have that problem? It can look perfectly fine 10 minutes before I find out my mom is coming when all of a sudden it looks like a pigsty. How is it that mom's have this power over their children? Oh well, at least my apartment is tiny.

Goodies Goodies Everywhere

I know that I am not really loving Christmas this year, but if you judge by the number of goodies floating around this hospital - I am in the minority. Anyone who has ever spent much time at a hospital knows that there is always food to be found somewhere. You just have to know where to look. At Christmas, a blind man could find it. I would say that I had never seen so many goodies, but I just have to think back to last year at the hospital. Every counter space is covered with cookies, brownies, fudge, nuts, etc. etc.

I blame my parents - particularly my dad, but I have a hard time saying no when people offer me food. Talking to several of my friends, I think it is a Southern thing. We are just taught to say Yes and Thank you. (I could just unnecessarily be blaming my heritage for a weak will-power - but that's my story.) This year, I was smart. I can simply not afford to gain the requisite "holiday weight". As a matter of fact, I am still trying to lose the "moving weight." Therefore, I went on a diet two weeks ago, and I have told everybody. Therefore, when people offer me such delectable goodies, I can remind them that I am on a diet. So far, I have survived two clinics drowning in goodies - including homemade baklava. I have also successfully managed to avoid the 10 platters of goodies currently sitting in the Thoracic office. I changed my coffee habits to downstairs.

I am not sure that I have actually lost any weight - exercising would probably help. However, I know that I haven't gained any and for this year, I will be happy with that knowledge.

Bah Humbug!

I have no one to blame save myself, but that does not make it any better. I went Christmas shopping today. Today - 5 days before Christmas. I have NEVER shopped this late, and now I understand why. Turns out A LOT of people shop late. I am fairly certain that I met every single person that lives in the greater Delaware valley today. At least half of them were at Macy's.

I LOVE to shop. Truer words have never been said. However, I do not like shopping in the cold shoulder to shoulder with a lot of pushy people desperately looking for that last Christmas gift. It was many things, but fun not one of them. At least I am finished. Now I just have to do some wrapping - I actually like wrapping. It is a great stress reliever for me.

I LOVE Christmas - at least I did until this year. I just haven't been able to truly get into the seasons. I have several theories as to why, but won't bore you with them. I have simply decided to call this year a wash and start planning the biggest Christmas celebration ever for next year. A little Scarlett O'Hara is called for along about now. Tomorrow has to be a better day.

Liking my calendar less . . .

This is not another blog about the fact that Christmas is almost here and I am still ill prepared. Instead, I am blogging about my day calendar. Previously enjoyed a lot. . . less so now. Today's offering:

"I am the modern, intelligent, independent-type woman. In other words, a girl who cannot get a man." - Shelley Winters

Enough said.

More English than I thought

Surnames aside, I have always considered myself to be completely American. Yes, with names like Baxter, Bennett and Barrett, my ancestors were Anglo-Saxons, but quite honestly "came over" so long again - I don't think it counts. I have always been somewhat envious of my first and second generation friends. They sometimes complain about the difficulties of straddling two cultures, but they have a tangible tie with their past. My relatives on the other hand were most likely sent to the "New World" as prisoners in Georgia's penal colony for debtors. I can't honestly say that a lot of the "old ways" have been passed down to me. (Except of course my knack for spending lots of money.)

Or so I thought. I have come to realize over the years that a lot of the "colloquialisms" that I heard growing up are actually British in nature. I actually grew up hearing things such as the boot and bonnet of the car, spot of something to eat, and we actually spoke of fortnights. I am not sure how random phrases made it through the Americanization of my relatives English, but they did. (If only a little less of the Appalachian hills accent could have penetrated.) I have always been an Anglophile when it comes to literature - maybe it is the language that attracts me most.

As I write this, I am enjoying a cup of tea between cases. Although I drink coffee, sometimes by the vats full, I prefer a nice cup of English Breakfast tea to relax. I have also come to realise that my temperament is very English. I am more aware of that here in Philadelphia where there is such a large Italian population. No offense to any of my Italian ancestored friends, but that much emotion must be exhausting. I am not sure I exactly qualify for the "stiff upper lip", but I do tend to keep my emotions pretty tight. I consider myself to be a fairly good listener, but I struggle talking about my problems to a lot of other people (sorry Kris - you lost out here as the one person that has to hear everything).

I am not sure why this is important to me, but maybe I am growing nostalgic as I age or something. I just think it is nice to have some ties - however small - with those ancestors who came before you.

OMG!!!

Christmas is 8 days away! When did this happen? I haven't finished shopping. I am NOT a last minute shopper. I have not finished shopping for gifts that have to be MAILED. Seriously stressing. I have not addressed the first Christmas card. Last year I did them in October. At this point, they may be Valentine's cards. When did this holiday season get so away from me? I could always blame my job, but I have had the same job for ten years and have never been this far behind.

It also wouldn't kill me to finish cleaning my apartment. My parents are coming next Friday, and my apartment is so NOT in parent viewing readiness. It isn't horrible, but one would guess that I had never been introduced to the concept of a dust or mop. My mom happens to know better.

I would continue freaking out on this blog, but quite frankly I don't have time. I need to get ready for Christmas.

When will I learn?

For a supposedly intelligent girl, I am incredibly stupid sometimes. Take yesterday for example. I just had to tempt fate. I couldn't take a rare slow call day for what it was. I had to complain about it being slow. Well, fate taught me. From 7 pm until this morning, I intubated two patients, coded one and took a ruptured thoracoabdominal aneurysm to the operating room. I am sure I did other things, but those are the ones I can still remember.

I came home took a nap, and then spent the rest of the day cleaning my apartment. Wow, what an exciting life I lead. Oh well, I am going to cap off my wonderful day by going to bed now.

Mazal tov to my friend Jessica on the birth of her beautiful baby boy. I am glad that everything went so well, and I can't wait to see him.

Call Day Blues

Call can be a funny thing. As much as I complain about the fact that I am almost always ridiculously busy on call, it is much better than the alternative. Slow calls are the WORST. It is not just the sitting around doing nothing, although that is pretty bad. Slow call days can be depressing.

I mean seriously depressing. I spend most of my life pretty busy. It does not leave a lot of time for self-reflection. On slow call days, you find too much time to think. . . or at least I seem to. To be honest, I think it is less about self-reflection and more about self-pity. I recognize most of the time that I have a pretty great life. I have a job that I enjoy, family that care for me, and great friends. However, on slow call days - all the things that are not perfect in life seem magnified.

Obviously for me, this is one of those slow call days. (Luckily, they are the exception and not the rule for me.) I have basically done nothing but read while waiting on something to happen. I can never get a lot done on call because I hate to be in the beginning of a project and get called away. At least maybe I will get enough sleep today that I can actually accomplish things tomorrow. In the mean time, I will take this rare slow call opportunity and feel sorry for myself. No worries, it is usually short lived and I should be back to normal tomorrow.

Fit not for man nor beast

Just leaving the hospital. Late of course because I had plans. One would think that I would learn not to make plans since it always seems to jinx me - sorry Jill, I'll try tomorrow. I walked outside of the hospital to dark, cold, windy and pouring down rain. I came very close to walking back inside. Nothing should be outside in this weather. It is cruel and unusual punishment.

It is almost comical to me that I have spent much of the last month complaining about how slow things are here. It is only now that I have other things I would like to work on that work gets out of control. How does the schedule know. It is uncanny. Oh well, Christmas cards may arrive for Valentine's day this year. Hope weather is better wherever you are.

Maybe they are on to something

So as some of you have read and others have experienced, people in medical training now have limits on how many hours they can work a week. The limits have been met with mixed reviews. We all know how much I love being told what to do. For the most part, I have thought they were silly, and besides a little part of me recognizes that I need to be able to function post call.

I was on call last night. I had for me a typical call. Very busy for most of the night with 2 cases and about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. I came home around 9 am this morning. I needed to run several errands, so I took a "quick" nap and headed back out around 1 pm. Grocery store, Target, Mall and oil change were on my agenda. I started at Target. I spent 30 minutes wandering the store picking up the couple items that I needed. I lacked motivation to move quickly. When I got up to pay, it occurred to me that I had left my house and gone shopping with nothing but my car keys. . . no license, no money, no credit card. After a return trip home, I only made it to the grocery store and target today. I decided I am not safe for more than that today. Maybe the powers that be are on to something. Patient care probably not within the realm of my capability today.

Waiting again!

Have I ever mentioned that I am not the most patient person on the planet. No? Well let me do so at this time. I mean - for a surgeon I think I do okay (not as good as Bassam, but we can all admit that he has the patience of Job and the calmness of Gandhi). It is currently almost 8 pm my time, and I am still trying to get through my day's operative schedule. Luckily, I am on call tonight so I am stuck here anyway, but that seems like very poor solace at the moment.

I was stuck here last night until after 10 pm. It is not so much the lateness of the hour because quite honestly - not so bad. Most importantly it was particularly painful because Trader Joe's closes at 10. I have not been to the grocery store in over a month. I traveled for most of the past month, so did not want to be wasteful. Unfortunately that meant when I got home last night starving, my choices were water, frozen broccoli, sun dried tomatoes and instant cheese grits. As only Kris can understand, I skipped the broccoli and had the grits. I like grits as much as the next Southerner, but not as my complete dinner. Oh well, hopefully can go tomorrow when I get off.

Still waiting by the way, I can't believe it has taken us all day to do six cases. Our new attending is so incredibly slow. I am only stuck operating with her because I am on call, but it still does not make me happy. Oh well, enough whining. Life is otherwise good. I spent much of the last month visiting family and friends, and now get to spend Christmas with my friend Beth and her family. Life is nothing to whine about - I'll be better.

Here kitty kitty

All that was old is new again. Hello Kitty, Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Cabbage patch kids have all made a come back. I lived in Georgia - home of the cabbage patch hospital - so it was my biggest obsession. I also had a pony and Susan had a couple of bears. Hello Kitty was extremely popular with my friends, but I was never really into it. I am not sure why exactly - maybe it was the fact that my mom thought it was ridiculously priced for pens and erasers or maybe I have always preferred dogs even as a child. I walked through the stores a lot and enjoyed looking at the merchandise, but never had much of my own.

Matt and Grace gave me a Hello Kitty necklace for Christmas. (I will try to remember to post a picture so that you can really appreciate how cute it is.) I must admit that I am now a convert. I wore it to work today, and every time I caught a glimpse of it in the mirror it made me smile. Considering how crappy my day was and that I am just now getting home - that is a miracle. I dare anyone to see my sparkly kitty smiling and not be in a good mood. I am not sure the hows and whys of the way that it's magic works, but will simply say that it is one impressive cat. Next up for me - a Hello Kitty lunch box.

home cold home

Just arrived back in town from Nashville. When I landed on Thursday, several people blamed me for bringing bad weather. It was in the 30's for a large portion of the weekend. I was as cold as anybody so I took the blame and kept going. However, upon arriving back here tonight, I remembered why it is so much worse here regardless of how "cold" it is back home. I had a fairly uneventful flight and caught the train back in to Center City without much delay.

However, when I popped up on street level at 16th and Market, I remembered why cold here is bad. I honestly thought I was going to lose a hand or an ear on the walk to my apartment. I think the issues are a couple. As I have mentioned before - wind is clearly a player. The other major factor I think is the amount of time spent outside. Back home (be it Tennessee or Georgia) the amount of time spent out in the weather is blessedly short. You are simply bolting from the car to the house or the car to the mall, etc. However, here you walk a lot. Things are considered very close if they are within 6 blocks. I LOVE this fact the rest of the year, but not a fan in the Winter.

Had a fabulous time in Nashville. I got to catch a Christmas show, tree trimming party, and a housewarming party. I spent time with a personal shopper and had great pedicure. I caught up with lots of old friends, and I also got to spend some serious quality time with my favorite under 5 duo. I will admit that I am a little tired, but had an absolutely amazing time. If only Nashville needed a Thoracic surgeon - I could be happy living there.

Christmas Spirit

I had not yet gotten into the whole Christmas spirit thing. I usually do at home with my mom dragging me shopping, but as I mentioned - I spent a lot of Thanksgiving at the hospital. Therefore, I had not given Christmas much thought.

I headed out this evening to the bookstore. I wanted to pick up a copy of A Christmas Carol. I have been hankering to reread it every since I started a Facebook conversation with a friend of mine from second grade. I must admit - although cold - there is something magical about walking down a bustling street at dusk with Christmas lights twinkling everywhere. I am now very much in the Holiday spirit.

Now, I need to get in the spirit to go pack. I am heading to Nashville tomorrow, and a suitcase of belongings would be nice to take with me. It is funny - I never traveled in 6 months - and now I am taking my 3rd trip in 4 weeks. Excited to see everyone. Will hopefully bring back pics.

Predictable

Further proof that I am not anywhere close to normal. . .

I love Christmas - no surprise to anyone. I particularly love decorating for Christmas. Something about the smell of a fresh tree is very soothing to me. However, I have foregone a Christmas tree and any significant decorations for the last two years. My decorations are somewhere in storage, and I was so busy in Nashville it didn't make sense to put much effort into it. (I just spent a lot of time at the Helou's inhaling their Christmas smells.) I had already decided that I wasn't going to do a tree this year either. Decorations still in Georgia, and apartment tiny. I was content with my decision.

That is - until yesterday. When I came home from work yesterday, I had a message on my door informing me of the "Holiday rules". My apartment complex does not allow real trees. This is a perfectly logical decision on their part. In an apartment complex this size, I can see where lots of things can go wrong. However, now that I can't have a real tree - I desperately want one. Why is it that I can't stand to be told no? Reverse psychology works great on me. Guess I will spend a lot of time at the Christmas tree stand smelling the trees.

Thanksgiving at the Hospital?

Sorry I didn't get a chance to call everyone on the Holiday. Hopefully everyone had a great Turkey day. I made it home Wednesday without much of a headache, and luckily made it back to Philly yesterday just before the entire east coast got delayed. However, my time at home wasn't exactly peaceful.

As most of you know, I am very close to several of my cousins. We literally saw and played with each other every day growing up. Paul, my cousin who lived next door growing up, now has two beautiful little girls - Serenity and Sidney. They have not had the smoothest year. Early this year, their mom left. She really didn't give much of an explanation, but did say that she didn't want the kids with her. The "kids" are now 8 and 5. Since her departure, she has only been to see them twice and that was with much prompting from my cousin. He understands - mostly because he is living with the girls - how much they miss their mom. Things got worse for Sidney this holiday.

I had just walked into my parent's house when the phone rang. It was Paul asking if I could come take a look at Sidney (he now lives across the street and a couple of houses down). I stated that I am not a pediatrician, but would be happy to see her. She had come home early from school on Tuesday, and had spent most of Wednesday just lying around. If you knew this kid, you would understand how not right that last statement is. As soon as I saw her, I suggested we head to the emergency room. Anyone in the medical profession - be it doctor or nurse that is any good - will tell you that somewhere along the way you develop a sixth sense. Often, even before they "start looking bad" by medical standards, a little buzzer goes off in your head. Sidney had all kinds of alarms going off in my head. This little girl was not well.

We quickly learned why. At the hospital, routine blood tests revealed that she was an undiagnosed diabetic. She is only 5 years old. Her blood sugar had risen to a dangerously high level and she was now in a diabetic coma from the ketoacidosis. She was flown to Egleston Children's Hospital in Atlanta. For much of Wednesday night, we were not given much hope that she would make it through the night alive. She was intubated and her brain started to swell requiring placement of a ventricular drain. Many prayers later, she finally started to improve. She was extubated on Saturday and is slowly waking up. Unfortunately she still has a long road ahead of her. She developed a blood clot in her leg from a groin line and will need treatment for it. She now also has to deal with insulin shots and glucose testing for the rest of our life. I have adult patients who don't like to give themselves shots - I can't imagine that this 5 year old will cope all that well.

We did not get a chance to have the normal Thanksgiving that we would have liked, but we all ended the weekend with so much more for which to be Thankful. For those of you who sent prayers for Sidney - Thanks and keep them going.