roller coasters

I LOVED roller coasters growing up. . . the higher, faster, curvier, loopier the better. I knew every ride at Six Flags and Carowinds. I knew the perfect seats and the perfect time of day to ride them (it actually makes a difference - some rides are faster early and some later). I lived for that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach right as you reach the top of the hill, or the beginning of the loop. The feeling that makes your heart race and your breath come a little faster. The feeling that although you have stood there and watched a hundred people come through the ride unscathed your trip might be different. The feeling of satisfaction felt when you completed the ride as if you had conquered Mount Everest - solo without oxygen.

In medical school I learned that all of these feelings are natural, and actually our oldest genetic response. From earliest human days, life was all about survival. We developed responses known as "flight or fight". When faced with uncertainty or danger, our body is hardwired to protect itself - to survive. Our heart rate increases to raise our cardiac output. This allows us to fight off danger or to run from it. All of these responses are triggered by the release of adrenaline from ,of all places, are adrenal glands.

Some people live for this response. They purposefully put themselves into situations that trigger it. These so called "adrenaline junkies" live for the "high" that they feel with all that extra adrenaline circulating around. I have been one of those people all of my life. It is probably one of the reasons that made me a surgeon. Nothing will give you more of an adrenaline surge than being in the operating room during a tricky or dangerous case. It was my own natural high.

Some people hate this response. Their adrenaline brings with it overwhelming nausea. Instead of feeling powerful and ready to take on the world, they develop feelings of impending doom and loss of control. The are incapacitated by the adrenaline. I fear that I am becoming one of these people. This whole job search thing is starting to feel like a roller coaster that never ends. I am beginning to wonder if instead of fighting for my "survival" if it wouldn't be easier to just roll into a ball and admit defeat. I know that there is still a fighter in me - I just need to find her again.