I'm goin to Miami

All day long I have had that Will Smith song stuck in my head. While I was trying to think about packing, trying to figure out what questions to ask, trying to operate on my patients - I keep hearing bienvenidos ay Miami. It is quite a catchy song so don't be surprised if you now will also have it playing in your head - sorry misery likes company.

I am heading down in the morning and back on Friday. Most of my Miami experience to date has involved a cruise ship so at least it will be a different side of the city. Trying to remain calm about the interview. What will be will be. Will check in when I get back.

Time Sure Flies

I am 36 years old today. It feels much younger than it sounds. My brain is somewhat baffled by the idea of my actually being this old. My body on the other hand, feels each of those years today. My parents and sister came up for the weekend, and I am exhausted. We went to Niagara Falls on Saturday, and to a local botanical garden yesterday. I was actually happy to come to work today so that I could sit down and rest.

The weather has been perfect (my parents would argue a little too warm, but they just don't understand how it has been). We are having dinner tonight, and they head out tomorrow.
I will try to post some pictures if I can ever reclaim my office. I am flying to Miami late this week for an interview, and Syracuse has been rescheduled for mid May. I am doing surprisingly well all things considered. I have decided that worrying will get me no where, and I have personal experience that things usually work out. I have to believe that I haven't come this far to hit a wall here. Will keep you posted.

Right in the World

I had an incredibly busy night on call that included no sleep and 3 changes of scrubs due to blood. I still have no job. I still have 15 stubborn pounds that refuse to go anywhere. However, my parents arrived today and I got a hug from my mom. How is it that a mother's hug can make it all right in the world? They should bottle and sell those things.

Closure Complete

So it took a call from my chairman for them to finally do it, but I got my closure with Little Rock. They went with the other guy because he was a "slightly better fit." I am trusting my mom on this one that things happen for a reason. Hopefully the reason is a good one.

Closure

I have often thought that I missed a few lines the day they were passing out girl traits. While some of the traits I seemed to get double portions (shopping, love of chic flicks and books, vanity, etc) there are others that I missed completely. For example, I have never truly been boy crazy. I think boys make a very nice accessory, but are not a crucial part of the outfit. I have always been way too independent to want to be "taken care of" or "protected". I have never bought into the feminist argument that women can have it all. I actually think that women and men are inherently and probably even genetically different, and to say that we aren't ignores some fairly obvious science. I am not sure that I picked up the procreation gene. I like kids, but am not convinced that I want any of my own.

I say all of that to say this - I need closure. I am starting to get VERY angry that the people in Little Rock have not had the common, and quite frankly professionally expected, courtesy to call or write me and tell me that I did not get the job. I have accepted it, but someone should be "man" enough to tell me.

The interview itself I felt initially went well. We seemed to have good chemistry during my first interview, and I thought during my second at first. On Friday morning, I had breakfast with the Chief of CT Surgery. He spent the entire breakfast telling me how qualified both of the candidates were for the job. He talked about how hard the decision was going to be, and even went so far as to say that whomever did not get the job should not take it personally. Sometimes there is just a better fit with certain personalities. I was born a blond, and have resorted back to that color a few times with the help of my hairdresser, but I'm not dumb. I could easily read between the lines and realize that I was being let down. However, at no time did he just go ahead and say - sorry we have decided to go another way. What he did say was that we plan to make our decision fairly quickly, and will let you know by mid next week. (I also had a dinner that evening with the older cardiac surgeon. We will just say that he made an inappropriate comment related to the fact that my genes match, and move on.)

I am not complaining that I didn't get the job - Although, I think they are making a huge mistake. I would be perfect for this job. I have the required experience, eagerness, and already understand "how the South works". I get that sometimes you just don't get the job. What I want to know is why did I not get his one. Did I use the wrong fork? I think a debriefing is in order. It would be very useful information to take to the next interview. I need closure of this relationship so that I can move on - is that too much to ask?

Pity Party

I am currently throwing myself an amazing pity party. I have some serious A list guests - pity, loneliness, self-doubt, loathing, and despair. Depression RSVP'ed, but you know how he likes to make an entrance. I would invite you, but quite frankly I like you all too much to drag you to this one. I strongly encourage you to actually skip the rest of this blog and perhaps check in tomorrow when I hopefully will have found a ray of hope.

The most ironic part of all is what this may actually mean. I spend a lot of time preaching to my friends about cosmic justice. I had always believed (and guess still do) that you get back out of life the same Karma that you put in to it. Whenever I perceived injustice, I always mollified myself by saying that the person would get what they deserved in the end. Based on my Karma payment, I have put in some serious bad vibes. Where did I go so wrong?

I am obviously still upset about not getting the LR job, and my travel misadventures didn't help. I guess only Kris and my mom know about those. I was supposed to fly to Syracuse for my last job opportunity yesterday. (Despite an initial promising phone call, I haven't heard back from Miami so I take it they are also not interested.) Unfortunately, the weather didn't cooperate and my flight got cancelled. I spent 10 hours at the airport trying to get on a different flight to anywhere close, but finally gave up and came home. I went back early this morning, but despite four trips to the airport total and at least 10 gate changes, I never actually left the city. Now I have to reschedule, and get to spend the interim in my current state.

I have given up a lot to get where I am - my twenties for starters, and most of my thirties. Now I am staring my 36th birthday in the eye, single in a city where I am close to no one, and can't even find a job. Excuse me, I should get back to my guests. Talk to you soon.

My Clock Stopped

I am fairly certain that every time piece in my apartment is broken. None of them are actually moving at all. It has been 10:30 for the last 6 hours. I went to work this morning, but our second case got cancelled. Since I wasn't in the best frame of mind anyway, I decided to come home and make sure everything was ready for my trip this afternoon. BAD IDEA.

I got home around 9 am. I watched West Wing while actually working out (a novel idea for me as of late). I am about to jump in the shower. I should be completely ready to go by 11:30 - 12 at the latest. The problem - my plane doesn't leave until 4. What on Earth am I going to do all afternoon, but slip further and further into insanity?

Distractions

As my last interview did not exactly go as planned, I feel even more pressure for my next one. I fly out tomorrow for Syracuse, NY. I went to bed last night thinking about it, and was never able to turn my brain off. Despite my travel exhaustion, I laid awake all night worrying about my future. After about 7 hours (and several tricks later), I gave up and started my day.

The purpose of the day - DISTRACTIONS. Anything and everything that I could think of to stop myself from thinking. I am an embarrassingly easy person to entertain, but turns out I am incredibly hard to distract. I had some success, but also a fair amount of failure.

I started with a trip to the gym. I thought it would be appropriate since I spent 3 days eating like a college boy. I left after about 15 minutes - my heart just wasn't in it, and my head wouldn't shut up. I took an incredibly unnecessary trip to Target and an entirely needed trip to the grocery store. I rearranged my shoes. I cleaned my house from TOP to BOTTOM (at least it will be good for my parents when they come next weekend). I unpacked from my failed trip, and repacked for my next one. My superstitious side had some fun with this one - I am not taking anything that has been to AK to NY. I watched all my taped West Wing and Law and Order. I am going to finish the day with last weeks LOST and then try to sleep.

Syracuse here I come - keep your fingers crossed. Not sure how much more of this I can take.

Heading Back

Leaving Arkansas this afternoon. When I arrived here, it was hot and sunny - perfect spring day. As I leave Little Rock, it is cool and raining. Similar to how I arrived brimming with hope and leave with my tail between my legs.

Currently trying to pack. I purchased nothing while I was here, but am still struggling to fit my stuff back in the suitcase. Once upon a time, I envied my friends who traveled with their jobs. No longer. Turns out traveling isn't all that fun, and even the nicest hotels at the end of the day are still hotels. Guess it is true - grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Trying to hold on to optimism, but difficult today.

It's not you - it's me

I just finished breakfast with the chief of the division. I have a little break before I head out to view some real estate. I am now fairly certain that I won't be offered the job so it has taken a little of the fun out of it for me. Although it wasn't blatant, I had the distinct impression that I was being let down easy at breakfast. It was all done very nicely, but I think they are going with the other guy.

I will admit that I am a lot disappointed. The job is exactly what I dreamed, and it is back in the South which is perfect. I head to Syracuse next week, and will now have to move my hopes to there. Guess I will now go off and look at real estate that I never have a hope of needing.

My cheeks hurt

Another day of interviews today. I hope these guys don't compare notes too carefully because I feel like I am telling the same stories over and over again. I mean realistically how many different ways can you tell your life story and map out the next 10 years of your academic career? I am a little concerned that I have developed Bassam's fake smile (a friend of mine who always has the "perfect" smile for pictures, but it rarely actually makes it to his eyes). I do know that my cheeks hurt from all the smiling.

Had another heavy dinner tonight. Wow, do I need to hit the gym. I am looking at real estate in the morning, and then have some free time in the afternoon. I absolutely have to squeeze a workout in there, or I am going to be squeezing into my clothes again. I'll keep you posted.

Act II Scene 1

Arrived back in Little Rock today. Not without some drama. I was scheduled to leave Philly at 7:45 am. The weather was awful - cold and rainy. We boarded without difficulty, but didn't actually take off until 9 am. Can I tell you how boring it is to sit on a runway for 1 hr and 15 min. I had a layover in Atlanta. I was supposed to arrive at 10 am and leave at 10:50. Anyone that has flown thru ATL knows that depending on where your terminals are - connections can be tricky. We landed at 10:20, but as only seems to happen in Atlanta, there was a plane already at our gate. Therefore, we didn't exit the plane until 10:40. I had 10 minutes to get from A8 to D27. Let's just say I got my cardio in for the day, and found out what it is like to be the absolute last person to board a plane. Amazingly my luggage also made the connection.

I decided to rent a car so that I could explore the area a bit. Unfortunately, they were out of GPS systems so with map in hand I headed off to the hotel. As an aside, anyone traveling through Little Rock should spend some time at the Capital Hotel. It is an old relic that has been completely renovated and is GORGEOUS. I had a couple of interviews this afternoon, and then headed out for dinner.

Dinner was good, but I ate way too much. I am currently suffering through an "I feel fat" phase and my huge dinner did not help. (It was also the major problem with my packing.) Tomorrow is the "big" interview day, and we actually talk money. This is a very odd concept for me, but we will see how it goes. Since I was operating very late last night, and then had to come home to pack - I am heading off to bed. Will let you know how things go tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Packing 101

The idea seems simple enough. I will be gone for four days and three nights. I have an itinerary and know exactly what I will be doing and when I will be doing it. I have a huge closet of clothes from which to choose for said events. I simply need to place the appropriate clothes into my suitcase. How do I make this so hard?

My Jewish Easter

Since I happened to have this past weekend off, and I knew the no fun job interview traveling was starting this week, I decided to head out for a fun trip. The winner (unlucky soul) of a "weekend with Tammy" - my friend Jessica in D.C. I ostensibly went down for the cherry blossoms. In reality, she has a 4 month old baby, and I needed munchkin time.

Even though the Jewish holiday of Passover started two nights earlier, Jessica still okayed my visit. She is quite the trooper. She had three days of non-stop family events, mostly hosted by her, and she still seemed eager for my visit. She is either a very good liar or a saint. I arrived a little later than planned on Friday (traffic was a bear), and got my first taste of Passover. Jessica still had in-laws in town so we all had Friday night dinner at her house.

I come from a very large Southern family, and we know how to have a big family dinner. I thought this was unique to my culture. Boy was I wrong. The competitive person in me refuses to admit that we may have been outdone, but boy was there a spread for dinner. I had my choice of 3 meat entrees, and decided to try 2 of the 3 with seconds. I ate, and ate, and then nibbled some more. I am fairly certain I ate more in 3 hours than I had the previous 3 days combined. It was delicious, and I am now a very big fan of dark chocolate covered Matzoh.

I did other things there besides eat, but I did nothing else quite as well. I got plenty of muchkin time. At 4 months, Micah has more hair than I did at 4 years. He is a very happy baby - lots of smiling and cooing. He has a great life (eating, sleeping, and playing) and seems to know it. We also headed out to a local neighborhood with beautiful cherry blossoms and GORGEOUS homes. I love driving through old neighborhoods and looking at houses. We ended the trip yesterday downtown at the tidal basin. I missed the peak of the blossoms, but the entire downtown DC area is so gorgeous it is still always fun to be there. We even got a chance to wander through the Museum of American History.

All in all it was a much needed respite from my life. Today I am back at the grindstone. Heading out Wednesday for my second trip to Little Rock - wish me luck!

If only wishing made it so

There is a disconnect somewhere in my circuitry. In my head, I have this picture of the "style" of girl I am. Up there, I am this boho chic girl that has a little of a bohemian flair. I am artsy and cultured with a little flower child thrown in the mix. I see myself with tattoos and a belly ring. I wear multi-colored unstructured flowing frocks with interesting hats and chunky jewelry. I have platform wedges and a gigantic handbag. I am in essence an Anthropologie girl. Anthropologie is a clothing store for those friends of mine who don't shop (come to think of it, how did I get so many friends who don't like to shop?)

In reality, I am strictly an Ann Taylor girl (non shoppers hang in there). I am a classic, traditional, dare I even admit boring girl. I don't have an artistic bone in my body, and have never hugged a tree in my life. I am a rule follower who doesn't even have her ears pierced. I wear structured straight lines with understated accessories. A walk on my wild side is a four inch heel, and my handbags tend to only hold a small wallet, phone and a set of keys.

How did this happen? How can I picture so clearly in my mind the girl I wish I were when I see the reality every morning in my closet?

Will Work for Food

Where did all the work go? It is getting to the point that I am a little embarrassed to call myself a resident. It is now 11 am, and I am finished for the day. Honest - finished for the day! I am going to waste a couple of hours studying, but that is all I have left today. What happened to more work that one thought you could handle?

Part of the problem this week is the Holidays. I have one attending leaving town to spend Easter with his in-laws, and another off for the next couple of days for Passover. Therefore, we had one case today - an easy one at that. I "had" to do it because the patient is incredibly vain and wanted a small incision. My reputation for small incisions is rampant and usually the source of much ribbing. This is the one time that it was seen as an asset.

I think the bigger problem is the economy. Even for us (life saving surgery an all). People aren't going to the doctor for problems. Therefore, they don't get their CXR with an incidental finding of lung cancer. The scary part is that all of those people still have lung cancer - we just won't know about it until it has spread and is no longer curable.

I am glad the economy is starting to show slow signs of recovery, but I am a stronger believer than ever that we need a more universal health care program. Good health should not be dependent on the economy. Period. It shouldn't matter if you are working this week or not if you have chest pain you should get to see a doctor. The current system is hurting and will continue to hurt us in the long run. We need a system where people are encouraged to stay well, not one that slaps band aids on people once they have passed the point of repair.

Okay - I am now stepping off of my soap box. I just wished a few Republican members of congress had to spend a few days in my shoes and see what I get to see.

Embarassing

A few days ago, I blogged about how out of shape I have become. I had recognized that it was true, but did not fully understand how true it is. In a bout of post call euphoria yesterday, I headed to the gym (after my nap of course.) I decided to run on the treadmill.

A little back story . . . I haven't exercised in a month, but I haven't run in SEVERAL months. However, it works for me and I want to be a runner if only I could get over that running part. I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill and ran just over half that time. I would run for a few minutes and then spend a few catching my breath. Luckily I had the workout room to myself because it was highly embarrassing.

Since my pride is now involved, I headed back to the gym today. My legs hurt to much for another go at the treadmill so I spent some time on the elliptical. I will tackle the treadmill again tomorrow. I refuse to be this out of shape this young.

Daffodils

I decided to walk to work this morning. I am not sure what led to such a notion, and in all honesty probably not my brightest idea ever - it was both cold and dark when I set off - nevertheless off I set. Dawn finally started to break after I stopped for coffee and I was at least able to appreciate the sights for at the last portion of my walk.

The sights are actually the purpose of my musings. For the first time, I actually saw true signs of spring this morning. There were daffodils, azaleas, and blooming pear trees. I think I even saw a cherry blossom. I have spent so much time complaining about the lack of these things I wanted to make sure that I remark on how happy I am that they are here. Reportedly it is even warm and sunny today. I have been breathing designer air and bathing in fluorescent lighting all day, but rumor has it tomorrow is also slated to be nice. Since by then I will have spent 60 of the 72 hours of the weekend in the hospital, I will be trying to spend as much of tomorrow as possible as far away from here as possible.

Hopefully spring has sprung and is here to stay.

Taken to task

I have been taken to task by my friend Jessica for unfairly hating the city of Philly. She thinks that I am currently refusing to see any of the positives and only concentrating on the negatives. She may be right, but hear me out. There are many aspects of this city that I enjoy a lot. Unfortunately as of late, perhaps related to my stressed state of mind and my growing frustration being a resident, I have chosen to ignore those aspects and only see the parts I don't enjoy.

I don't hate Philly. I have enjoyed most of my time here. I will most certainly return here to visit in the future. If given another option, I would probably not choose to live here permanently, but that has more to do with me than the city. It is actually very interesting how things work out. The entire time that I was growing up I couldn't wait to get out of my small town. I wanted to live in a large bustling city where there was always tons of stuff happening. I was going to have this incredibly exciting full and fast pace life.

I moved to my first big city in college, and had a blast. However, by the time I finished medical school - I needed a rest. I am absolutely positive that I could not have survived a surgical training program in a big city. Perhaps it is related to the way that I grew up, but the fast pace life takes a lot out of me. Turns out as much as I hate to admit it, my soul occasionally craves a slower pace to life. I like the stillness of sitting on a front porch watching the trees blow. I never would have believed that growing up, but it is what it is.

Don't get me wrong, I am by no means a country girl. However, I would love a nice small to middle size city with friendly neighbors and front porches.

Length matters

I know as a girl that I am not supposed to actually admit this out loud, but length matters. I'm sorry it does! We are simply kidding ourselves when we say it doesn't. And when did it become the collective rule that we were all willing to lie about it not mattering? I don't recall a vote, but yet I am supposed to go along with the secret "girl code"? Shorter is definitely better!!!

I am of course talking about the length of winter. (You should all collectively get your heads out of the gutter.) Yes, it got colder here than I thought it was possible to survive, but I survived it. It turns out that you can put on enough clothes if you keep layering. The toughest part of this winter of my discontent is its length. I mean COME ON! It is the first weekend in April - Easter is next week, and we are just now getting a couple of days per week in the low 60's. How do these people live this way?

I actually know the answer to that last question. They don't know any better. They don't know that March should bring flowers and grass and sunny days. Maybe if by some horrible twist of fate I spend another winter here I too will tolerate it better. I will mentally be prepared for winter well into April. I was not at a mental place for it this year.

I have actually discovered that there are lots of things about the south that people around here don't know. When I first came here, the misperceptions about life "down there" were annoying. I couldn't believe that people really thought such ridiculous things. I now find them amusing. I smile politely, nod my head and have two thoughts. The first - I can't wait to get back home to the south. The second - I am so glad that small minded people like you will never move there.

What a Week

I need this week to be over. I was on call last weekend so didn't get much rest. Worked a "normal" day Monday getting home around 7 pm. Who knew that would be my good day. This is the earliest I have gotten home since and I am on call this Friday/Sunday. . . so a LONG weekend ahead. I am on call again next Thursday, and then my travels begin. Luckily, my first trip is all for fun. I am heading to DC to see my friend Jessica, her new baby boy and the cherry blossosms. I just have to survive the next 7 days . . . I just have to survive the next 7 days . . . I just have to survive the next 7 days . . .

Addicted

Okay - I have a confession. My name is Tammy Baxter, and I am a TIVO addict. I realized I had a problem last night when instead of watching the show I wanted to see, I chose to read - not because it is better for me, but because I didn't want to wait through the commercials. I knew I could watch it tonight minus the commercials on TIVO.

I can't say that this is the first time I have done this. The only shows that I watch consistently are Oprah and LOST. I also record West Wing - which is ironic if you consider I have the entire series on DVD, but I digress. I haven't watched any of these shows real time in months. Granted I am not usually home for Oprah, but am not sure that would change anything. I am almost always home for LOST and choose to watch it the next day or my favorite wait until it is about 30 minutes in and start watching the recorded version. It finishes only about ten minutes later than the "live" version minus the commercials.

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem.