Confession

I have a confession to make. I have struggled with whether or not I actually wanted to admit this out loud, but in the end decided that not saying it doesn't make it any less so, and isn't confession supposed to be good for the soul?

As you are all well aware, the whole job search was incredibly frustrating for me. I am not sure what I expected, but after 10 years of training at some pretty great places, I certainly didn't expect to have trouble finding a job. I almost imagined a fight over who would get blessed with my training and skills. A few months into my search when it became apparent that there was no stampede to my door, I sat down with a few of my attendings to discuss the issue.

To the one, they all (after a good deal of prompting) told me the same thing. If it had not been so frustrating and disheartening, it would have almost been comical. None of them were willing to just come right out and say it. They would all sheepishly look at their desks, computers, hands. No one could quite look me in the eye.

What was their big revelation? I am female! Hold the presses. It was quite a shock to me. I had wondered what those lumps on my chest were all those years. I joke about it now, but I was devastated, but perhaps not for the reason I should have been. I was devastated because it was the one thing I couldn't change. If I was coming off too confident, or not confident enough, t0o shy, too outgoing - those were things that I could change, but my sex - sorry "Chaz" I am not willing to go there.

Why was I not frustrated and irate that my chosen profession was so openly sexist? I have a harder time answering that question. By all rights, I should have been livid that it was suggested to me that another candidate although less qualified and with less technical ability would make a better colleague because he had testicles. The more interviews I had, the more it became glaringly obvious too me that these men were scared to death that I wanted to take their job and then become some baby making machine.

My most horrible confession - a part of me gets it. Now before any of you hunt me down to set me straight, hear me out. A little part of me sees that it must be incredibly frustrating to hire a new surgeon, invest a lot of money in salary, OR toys or laboratory stuff and then have them take off within the first year on maternity leave. It is also quite common in my profession for these women to not come back at all. In my heart, I know that women should be able to make choices based on the data they have at the time. Women should be allowed to have all the same opportunities as men, and should have choices about how they wish to fulfill themselves. However, a small part of me sees the other side.

I am not blaming my entire frustrating job search on my sex. Lots of things go into it some of which were in my control some not. However, I will admit to coming out of this experience with a little less rose coloring on my glasses. I knew that I was going into a male dominated profession (female cardiothoracic surgeons now make up 2% of all cardiothoracic surgeons). However, I perhaps unrealistically felt that it wouldn't make a difference.