The Long Goodbye

Don't worry, this post does not end with us in Mexico with Elliot Gould looking for a murderer.

However, the title seemed fitting for my current life. 

Over the course of the last two weeks, I have attended numerous lunches, dinners and two official going away parties.  I by no means wish to sound ungrateful.  The outpouring of what appears to be genuine sadness that I am leaving, is truly touching.  However, it leaves me feeling very conflicted.

A large part of me is beyond excited to move back home to a city that I love which just happens to be near friends and family.  (Another part of me would be to frightened to tell either my mom or Kris that I changed my mind and decided to stay.)  I know that Nashville is the right move for me personally, and I hope professionally.

All of that being said, I currently find myself very sad.  I have truly met some wonderful work colleagues here that have become my friends.  Saying goodbye is hard.  I wish, not for the first time, that when you moved, you could pick certain people to bring with you.  Sure, if everyone got to do so, we could all potentially end up at the same place, but logic isn't the tact to take with me at the moment.

Two days left to work.  Not sure how many more goodbyes I can't handle.

It's October!?!

Wow - is it me or did October get here exceedingly quickly?  I woke up this morning equal parts excited and anxious. 

Excited because my move happens this month. 
       Boots, Sweaters, Jackets, Friends, Fun.

Anxious because my move happens this month. 
        Goodbyes, paperwork, moving, goodbyes

Therefore, I find myself in need of distraction.  This is what I have decided to try.
         Cardio, blogging, organizing


Allow me to go ahead and apologize ahead of time, it's going to be a shaky month.

Countdown Clock

When I first learned that I was moving to Nashville, I downloaded one of those countdown clock apps to my phone.  I would open it whenever I was feeling particularly frustrated or homesick, and it made me feel better.  It gave me the out date that I've been looking for since moving here 4 years ago.

When I opened it this morning, it said 29 days.  Just in case that number is not significant to you - it's less than one month!

For the first time since I downloaded the app, it did not make me feel better.  Instead, it totally freaked me out. 

Don't get me wrong, I am still totally excited to move back home.  However, the magnitude of the life changes that I will be experiencing over the next month feels a little overwhelming today.

Whirlwind Weekend

I honestly can't recall the last time that I jammed so much stuff into a short two day period.  Related, I can't recall the last time that I felt this tired.

Despite numerous trips to Orlando through the years, I had never been to Universal Studios.  Mickey always seemed the bigger draw.   A friend and I had been talking for a while about seeing "Harry Potter", recently we realized that we were running out of time, so a last minute trip to Orlando was in order.

We drove up Friday night, had a nice dinner, and both tucked in early.  Turns out that was a good thing.  The next day, we started nice and early to take advantage of the early admission to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  LOVED IT.  I could move there and be very happy.  (Well except the butterbeer - that was kind of gross.)  Ten hours of non-stop walking and riding later, we stopped for dinner.  We then decided to be brave and head back to the parks for "Halloween Horrors".  I'm not a huge horror person so this was a big deal for me.  It turned out to be scary, but a lot of fun. 

We fell back into bed exhausted a little after midnight.  Surprisingly, we were back in Hogsmeade early the next morning.  Several trips through the Forbidden Forrest later, we finally called it a very full weekend, and headed back home.

Although Disney is still my favorite as far as the diversity of stuff to see and do - I will definitely head back to Universal.  It's much more a straight out amusement park, but those can also be a lot of fun. 

Organization Overload

Anyone that has ever seen inside my closet would tell you that I like organization and order . . .  Speaking of closets, I recently changed out all of my clothes hangers to Huggable Hangers (am sure that is trademarked, but can't figure out how to add the appropriate symbol).  They have totally transformed my closet.  Unfortunate side effect is that I am so fascinated with how great it looks that I sometimes forget why I am in my closet, but I digress. . .   Bringing order to chaos is fun for me.  It's like solving a puzzle that leaves me with a tangible and pretty result.  It also gives the feeling of accomplishment as I make my lists and check my boxes.  Perhaps I also like the control aspect, but I contend it is mostly about the puzzle.

However when speaking of my upcoming move, I may have taken things TOOOO far.  When I caught myself arguing with the cable lady the other day that 6 weeks isn't too much notice for a cancellation date, I knew that I had a problem. 

Why has this move sent me truly around the bend?

Okay this one may be about control.

Historically, moves are not my thing.  That's not to say that I haven't moved a lot, and many of them across many states and long distances.  It is to say that among several things that I do very well, moving isn't one of them.  I have horrid moving luck. I have movers not show, belongings not show, elevators not work, trucks too "heavy" or too tall to gain entrance, my list of moving stories could feel an entire book.  Just typing this I already have that familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach that always approaches on moving day.  It's not a question of if something goes wrong when I move, it is more a matter of how many things will go wrong.

All of that being said, I have a moving plan.  I finish work October 18th.  I have a weekend to organize my place for the movers.  The movers pack up my condo and office on the 21st and they load my storage items on the 22nd.  My car ships out on the 23rd, and I take my flight the 24th.  My Nashville condo is set to move in as of the 25th, and I theoretically start my new job on November 1st. 

It sounds like a straightforward enough plan, but I'm not gullible enough to think it will actually work.

Well at least Gracie is a little older now - last time she had to help me move she was only 2...  

Vacation Giddiness

Do you remember that feeling on the last day of school before summer break?  When you are so excited that you literally struggled staying in your desk chair?  Your mind refusing to focus on any one thing?

I am experiencing those exact same symptoms today.  I don't have a long lazy summer ahead of me, but I do have a week of parental pampering in store.  Ten whole days snuggled in the beginnings of a North Georgia Fall (okay, yes technically it is still 90+ degrees, but a little poetic license if you please).

I will be making a quick dash to Nashville for a meeting and hopefully finding a place to live, but other than that there is absolutely nothing on the agenda.  I walk everywhere these days with a very long To Do list which will be staying on my dining room table.  Real countdown to the move starts when I get back, but I can always think about that later.

Needing Nail Nirvana

I desperately need my nails done.  The kind of desperate that almost had me looking for nail clippers, and for a girl that hasn't cut her own nails in 15 years - that's desperate.  It should be simple enough to get them done.  My place that I use is literally right down the street from my condo.  I am just starting to think it wasn't meant to be.

Was convinced that last weekend was going to be a disaster since I was on call everywhere - quietest weekend ever - necessary to wear closed toe shoes.

Monday night I had a 6 pm appointment - clinic ran long and I had to cancel - chipped two nails.

Tuesday night appointment at 5 pm - nail technician had emergency had to cancel - am now at fear toenail fighting it's way through sock.

Wednesday appointment at 5 pm - in operating room with disaster case - could feel my nails growing through my gloves.

Thursday appointment at noon - after clinic, but before meetings started - should have known better - consults, late patients in clinic, etc - nails currently clacking away on keyboard - I hate that sound.

I have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow after work.  Of course, I also need to pack and clean as I am flying home Saturday morning, but hope springs eternal.  There is also a good chance the TSA won't let me board with these weapons, and goodness knows I'm not taking off my shoes to walk through the scanner.

Secretly Slothful

I have a confession to make - I am an incredibly lazy person deep down. I was on call for three different hospitals this weekend, and since I usually have bad call luck, I purposefully made no plans. In a weird twist of fate, call was incredibly quite. So what did I do with all that unexpected time - NOTHING. And I mean nada, zip, zero this weekend. Saturday I read an book, and Sunday I watched an NCIS marathon that I had recorded Saturday. Am I proud of this behavior, of course not, but I am starting to think that it may be the real me because I feel fantastic today.

Sweater Obsession

Okay - is it odd that I have developed a SERIOUS sweater obsession?  I can't pass a store or website without checking out the upcoming fall fashions.  My excuse is the upcoming move back to seasons, but in reality I am currently still existing in 90+ degree weather.  However, I have developed some serious cute outfits for my first real fall in years.

I will need someone to remind me of this yearn for colder weathers come January, but as for now I need to go check out a few more sweaters.  . . . and perhaps coats

My Absence

My last post was in early April. It's fairly easy to catch you up since then - I went nuts. Mid-Life Crisis nuts. The kind of nuts that people end up checking out of their lives to beach huts in Jamaica selling bead bracelets nuts. Or married to a 20 yo nurse and driving a new Ferrari nuts (oh wait, that's all the men I know).

Let's just agree that 40 was not my friend.

Looking back, I still am not sure why I took 40 quite so hard. I have never been overly concerned with aging. I joke about it a lot, but deep down have always felt that I still look pretty good for my age. However, this year was different. I smiled and joked with my friends about turning the "big 4-0", but deep down I was not in a good place. The best explanation that I have been able to come up with is that I found myself at 40 not living the life that I had expected. What life I expected I'm not quite sure, but was certain that this was not it. I know that many of my friends thought this was an ovary thing, but I honestly don't think that was it. I am and have always been quite comfortable with my decision to not have children of my own. That being said, I do think this was about a personal fulfillment thing. I have grown into my job, and can honestly say that I enjoy it. However, I have not developed the personal life here that I expected. This is a tough town in which to be a single woman of an older age. It also doesn't help that I'm not Latina. It's not just about men - I haven't been able to build that network of great girl friends in this town that I've always been able to find. It just seems that Miami is just not a good fit for me.

Enter Karma.

Shortly after returning from a birthday trip to Nashville, I get a call from Bassam telling me there may be a job at his hospital for a Thoracic Surgeon. A few short weeks later, I have a job offer that I can't refuse in a city that I love. Okay, the decision wasn't quite that easy, but it did feel right. Looking back, I am not sure that I would have made the decision to leave my job to move had I not gone a little nuts. I have always made decisions based on what was best for my career giving no thought to what was best for my personal life. I think the craziness that was my life allowed me to put my personal happiness on par with my professional happiness. I am not sure that sane rational me would have been brave enough to make that decision. I won't tell you that I have no anxiety about leaving a professional comfort zone to enter an unknown world, but I am ecstatic to be moving back to a city that feels like home. I just have to believe that personally fulfilled Tammy will be an even better professionally fulfilled Tammy.

Fingers crossed.

The Non Diet

Despite my big plan to stop obsessing about my age, and start working on my weight - truth was that I had no idea how to do it.  As many of you know, I have tried every diet on the planet, and I mean everything.  I have calorie restricted, low carb'ed, amped up protein, gone Paleo, gone Gluten free, tried vegetarian, vegan.  I have tried shakes, meal replacements and even a cleanse (that one I will never ever do again.)  Nothing has worked for me, unless you mean leaving me hungry and grumpy.  So, I was at somewhat of a loss despite my renewed dedication to "healthy" living.

Cue Karma.  As last week went by, I was still floundering around for ideas.  Then almost magically when I woke up Thursday morning, I had an email waiting from my friend and old trainer.  She was checking in, and recommended that I try a new book and blog site that she has been reading.  She is very well aware of my long diet history, and was an upfront witness for many of the failures.  She had recently come across a book by Matt Stone.  It is basically the No Diet diet book.  I've now spent the entire weekend reading it and perusing websites about the concept.  I'm convinced enough to try it.

The idea is to have no food group off limits.  There are no restrictions about how much of each food or strange balances.  I eat when I'm hungry and don't eat when I'm not hungry - novel thought.  The idea is to disassociate guilt and eating.  Food should be used for nourishment and comfort - not for rewards or punishment.  This part may be a little difficult for me as I have a running tally in my head of good vs evil food.  However, I like the idea.  I like the idea of sitting down for a meal, and eating what appeals to me - not what I think I should eat.  According to the book, it's not uncommon to "go a little crazy" and gorge on traditionally "bad" foods.  However, the idea is that once they are no longer off limits, and you have "eaten your fill", then your body naturally goes back to a fairly balanced way of eating.

Hmmm - here goes nothing.

Karma

I've mentioned this before, but I'm a huge believer in Karma.  I strongly believe that you eventually get back what you put out there.  The key word in that sentence is eventually.  However, topic for another post.  The Karma that I speak of today is the one that puts people or events in your life exactly when needed.  Despite my grand plans from last weekend, life did not work out exactly as planned this week.  As I was starting to spiral back into my feelings of hopelessness, a friend emailed me out of the blue.  Her email was exactly what I needed to get back on track.  Details to follow.

Don't ask

We will call today a fail and end this post here.

Idle Weekend

Idle Weekend?  Ever had one of those weekends where you felt like you spent the whole weekend running around, but end up with nothing to show for it?  My weekend in a nutshell.

Saturday was a lot of putting Plan B into action.  I needed a few things to get me back on the "workout" train.  First off I needed (yes I said needed) new workout clothes.  Nothing says get your butt to the gym like new workout clothes.  Next, I needed a goal dress.  You know the dress that doesn't even attempt to hide your flaws - the in your face this body is rockin dress?  It is now hanging on my bathroom door where I have to walk past it every day.  Luckily all of the running around helped me get in a lot of steps and then a quick walk around the beach finished off my exercise for the day.  Food was also clean even with the on the go part.

Sunday started with quick rounds and then off to the grocery store - in Naples.  Okay, most people don't drive 2 hours for a grocery store, but they have a Trader Joe's in Naples.  (As an aside, our Trader Joe's which was to open in July has now been pushed to September.)  Every three or four months, a friend and I drive over to Naples and stock up - it's amazing how many things one can only find at a Trader Joe's.  Unfortunately our other Naples ritual is Sonic (yet another thing we don't have here).  No "healthy" options there, but kept it good the rest of the day.

Now need to go slather on some After Sun - convertible, two hour drive, no sunscreen is not a pretty site - and head to bed.  Hoping to get up early for a quick run before work.

Plan B

Supposedly, admitting you have a problem is the first step.  Consider this my admission.  Defining the problem - now that's a harder issue.  (Don't worry no drug or alcohol issues - it hasn't gotten that bad yet.)  I started this year with such high hopes and expectations.  Sadly only four months into 2013, I have been feeling ready to concede.

Have you ever realized that you were acting completing irrationally or self-destructively, and yet been unable to stop the behavior?  Welcome to my world as of late.  I have chosen to blame my upcoming 40th birthday, but recognize that a random Saturday in April is not the real culprit.  I hate to be trite and trot out some psycho babble about dissatisfaction or recognition of mortality, but something is certainly not right at the moment.  What is even less clear to me is how to fix it.

Clearly what I have been doing isn't working.  Unless of course you consider 30 lbs, insomnia, severe mood swings and adult onset acne a success story.  I don't.  At present I can't wear anything in my closet, and am rapidly losing friends from my perpetual grumpy state.  Not exactly how I wanted to enter my 40th year.

It wish I could conclude this post with my great plan to "fix it".  I don't have a grand plan, but I do know something about myself.  I like goals.  I need something to work toward - a tangible target. (I'm also hoping that finding something else to fixate upon will distract me from my present mind set.)

Therefore, I'm picking my weight.  I am giving myself the next four months to lose 30 lbs, and am going to use this blog as a place for accountability and to chart my progress.  As of this morning, I am approximately 30 lbs from a realistic weight for me to maintain.  I have fallen into some bad eating habits and have no aerobic capacity at the moment - so this seems like a good place to start.  Stay tuned for tomorrow where I will recap Day 1.

Change

Some people love change. They are always looking for something new, different, untried and unknown. I am not one of those people.

I wish I were one of those people. Life would be much less difficult if I didn't let the fear of change stop me from trying new things or cause me to tolerate difficult situations just because they are comfortable.

I have been this way my entire life, and it's time for it to stop.

Change is coming. . .

Savasana

For those of you unfamiliar with the word Savasana, it is the last pose performed in yoga class.  It is also known as corpse pose - now you see why it goes by the Sanskrit.  The pose is much like it sounds.  You lie on your back with eyes closed and palms open toward the ceiling.  You then spend the next few minutes only concerned with the rhythm of your breathing.  (Okay - I guess the breathing part would be fairly creepy in a corpse.)

It is my favorite part of yoga, and not just because it is the easiest.  It is a great time to not only catch your breath - yoga can be strenuous when taught well - but to rest your mind.  After spending the last hour or so having to concentrate only on contorting your body into what feels like an unnatural position, your brain has yet to pick back up the million other thoughts that are usually swirling around.  It is the time when I find it easiest to truly think of nothing - perhaps the closest I may ever come to true meditation.  I finish yoga feeling not only physically refreshed, but mentally as well.

This week at Canyon Ranch has been one long Savasana pose for me.  It couldn't have come at a better time - mentally, physically and spiritually.  I had a fantastic week and learned a lot, but mostly I feel renewed.  I was able to give both my mind and body a rest.

Namaste

Tying a Knot to Hold On

I am holding on to my optimism for 2013, but barely.  It has been a rough few days, and this time I can't blame work.

It all started with a car accident - mine.  I live in Miami, so car accidents are not a rarity, and I even picked my current car because I knew at some point it would be involved in an accident.  However,  I was fairly confident that I would have somebody else to blame - drivers here after all are CRAZY.  Unfortunately that is not exactly how the story goes.  It was a Sunday afternoon.  I was coming home from rounds.  I was not on the phone, I was not sleep deprived, I was not running late and no surprise here - stone cold sober.  No one cut me off or stopped suddenly in front of me.  I hit a support beam next to my parking space - a space that I have been parking in daily for the last 2 1/2 years I must admit.    I have no explanation nor excuse.

Fast forward a few days.  I finally joined the adults and got a "real" kitchen knife sets for Christmas.  These knives are amazing - German, pretty and SHARP.  According to the trauma literature, more knife injuries occur with dull rather than sharp knives - I couldn't disagree more.  I have stabbed myself, cut a hole in not one but three kitchen towels drying the darn things, and almost sliced off the tip of my pointer finger on my dominant hand!  And can I just add that hand injuries which prevent one from scrubbing when one is a surgeon are just a little aggravating.

Monday I had the distinct pleasure to partake of one of the pleasures of citizenship that is jury duty.  What frustrates me about jury duty isn't the act itself.  I am perfectly happy to fulfill my civic service, and suspect that I would actually find partaking in a real case (as a jurist not a defendant) incredibly fascinating.  However, attorneys and doctors don't mix.  It is fairly common knowledge that it is incredibly rare - read never - for a doctor to end up on a criminal jury.  Rumor has it that prosecutors find us too analytical and thus unpredictable, and defense attorneys supposedly find us too out of touch with the everyday life of their "clientele".  Regardless, we never make the final cut.  However, that doesn't prevent them from keeping us the whole day and asking us ridiculous questions in a room full of strangers.  My favorite exchange on Monday :
     Mr. Defense Attorney:  "Ms, I mean Dr. Baxter, can doctor's lie?"
     Me:  "Of course, we are human.  All humans are capable of lying"
     Mr. Defense Attorney:  "But you are scientist, scientist never lie"
     Me:  "Well I think we know from several front page stories that is not necessarily true"
     Mr. Defense Attorney:  "Do you think attorneys can lie"
     Me:  "Absolutely, part of the job I would say"
     Mr. Defense Attorney:  "no more questions"
Hmmm.  Perhaps I am beginning to see why we never get picked.

To add final insult to injury, I decided to have a go at a Cross-Fit work out today.  I conveniently chose to ignore a few key facts:  not only have I not been working out regularly for about three months, but I haven't ran a step since October!  My luck held up of course, and the work out of the day involved multiple 400 m runs, burbees, squat jumps and overhead dumbbell presses.  Now there was a time not that long ago that I would have attacked such a workout with glee and asked for more.  Today, said workout attacked me and quite honestly kicked my butt.  The one thing it did accomplish is motivation. I know that I can be better than today's workout.

I still believe that this is going to be my year.  I just have to survive myself first.

Too Quiet

I sit here at work typing this because I am avoiding going home.  Why you definitely have a right to ask, as I am normally whining about not getting to leave the hospital?  I am avoiding going home because I know that it is going to be quiet. 

Let me explain.  Between going home before Christmas, the Holidays which were jam-packed, and my parents/sister coming down for the week after the New Year, I have gotten used to constant company.  My parents and sister left this morning as I came to work, so for the first time in a long time, I will be spending my evening alone.  Usually, at this point, I would be dying for some alone time.  However, for some reason tonight I am dreading it a little. 

Perhaps I will go work-out to avoid it a little longer.

Context is Key

I have spent a fair amount of the last decade and a half of my life sleep deprived.  It was rarely by choice, and never pretty.  It was at least a good excuse to look like crap and be grumpy.  It's hard for people to be overly judgemental about your lack of grooming or your attitude when you spent the night "saving lives".

Being an Attending however has obviously made me soft.  In my early years, I could take back-to-back in-house call and survive on nothing more than a cat nap had sitting in the OR waiting on my patient to be put to sleep.  Those days are clearly behind me.

Part of my embracing of 2013 has led to me accepting more of the evening out opportunities that are afforded one living in a vacation paradise.  This has lead to midnight being "an early night" for the last 5 nights straight, and subsequently my turning into a pumpkin. Interestingly I have taken advantage of the being able to look like crap, but in all my sleep deprived state - still very happy.

Happy 2013!!!

Happy New Year - only a day late in making that wish to you is good for me. 

It has been a very interesting close of 2012 for me.  It is no secret that I didn't have the best year - professionally or personally.  The close of such an annus horribilis would normally have been a time of great anxiety for me.  It would have led to much soul searching, bemoaning the hand that fate has dealt me, and schemes for a better new year. 

However, against all odds, and perhaps good sense, I have a good feeling about 2013.  I have no scientific evidence to back up such a claim, and nothing has happened per se in my life to lead me to this belief.  I just know it to be true, truly.  It isn't one of those hoping for the best things; I actually know that 2013 is destined to bring great things for me.  Perhaps my inner intuition is blossoming here in my 40th year, or perhaps the logical side of me is just playing the odds - statistically I am due for a good year.  Regardless of the reason, I am fully embracing this feeling and going into 2013 with an open spirit.

Therefore, I make only one "resolution" for the year - I will be open to all that 2013 has to bring.  Here's to a great year.